Ready For Action?! Black's diary

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 I have not seen girls since the hospital - since my parents kicked out the only friends of my life. I was helpless under the control of my mother.

 As soon as she thrown them out of my hospital room she told me (of course, with her usual tonality): "You made it to ruin your life. You were not able to be normal, wretch. We found you a place to live." Me:" A place to live? I have my own apartment! " She: "You can not live there so damaged... Do you think somebody will take care of you whole your life, you stupid wretch? You should have been a lady, to find you a good opportunity to marry to change your life, and you refused David. You see where it brought you! "Me (barely holding back tears):" David is guilty of this! He made us argue! He killed Red! Reeeeeeed! Red.... My best friend ... It would be better if I died with her. (I look at my mother) I want euthanasia. Kill me or let me do it myself. I can't take it anymore. I want to die. " She: "Stop crying, you stupid! You got what you were looking for and you'll have to live with it. Tonight you'll be taken to the house we bought for you, actually, the room. We hired a woman who will take care of you..." I stopped her: "I can't leave now, I have to go to the funeral!" She: "No, you do not have to. They only need you out there." Me: "She was the closest person in my life!" She: "Shut up, wretch!" Me: "I'm not wretch, stop calling me like that!" She: "You fool, you'll suffer to death!" Me: "And you will burn in hell for all that you have done to me! You are guilty of what I have become!" She: "Do not blame me for your mistakes, you ruined yourself." Me: "You imposed your opinion on me, you imposed your unfulfilled dreams on me! Your perfectionism ruined me!" She (so loud that the nurses came in too): "STUPID WRETCH,  I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE! SUFFER WHEN YOU DO NOT KNOW THE RIGHT VALUES!" Me: "Wealth is no value but a curse!" She: "DIEEEEE!" ME: "That's what I want!" (Nurses gave me an injection and my mother went out).

 I woke up after two days. I found myself in the room where I am now. Only the woman who kept me was in the room. I asked: "Where am I? Did they bring me to my new accommodation or this is just a nightmare?" The woman replied:" This is your new home, miss, they brought you two days ago. My name is Eil, I'm paid to take care of you during the day. Do you need something? " Me: "What I need is a time machine so I change the present ... Sorry, I don't want to bother you with my life." Eil: "The hospital gave you the therapy you should take." I: "What is it? What kind of pills?" Eil: "Sedatives." Me: "I do not need anything to calm down. I am completely... calm. Emotionally empty. Lost in my mind. I'm a zombie. A wretch.Was and stayed." Eil: "They told me to give it to you... "I:" I'll take them by myself, just leave them next to me and bring me tequila." Eil:" Tequila? You know you shouldn't drink while you are under the influence of a sedatives? " Me: "I'm celebrating going home." Eil (looking at me confused): "But this is your home ..." Me: "No, I'm from hell. Only wretches like me come from there, ruin everybody's lives and then just want to go back. I'm not for this." Eil:" I'm not crazy to bring you alcohol and to let you get overdosed. " Me: "Bring me anything that will bring me home, because I can not live like this." Eil: "My working time has expired (puts a medicine box on a table quite far from me) I will come every day for two hours - the order of your mother, and you will be better for several days. You will eventually deal with fate. Goodbye. (leaves the room)" Me:" Goodbye... Dammit with my life. Dammit with me. Red, Red come for me, please, please, Red, I know you hate me, but don't leave me this way! Don't ... "

 I cried whole night. I just wanted to die, and I couldn't do anything. Eil even put pills too far from me... Maybe they would work, even without tequila. I couldn't get up to take them. Whole night I was trying to get up with all my power... unsuccessfully. I still can't. Dammit. Dammit with my mother who left me here. Dammit with my father who is not better. Dammit with David, who saved me from dying the first time. Dammit with David who spent the night with my best friend. Dammit with me and with my jealousy. Dammit with my life. And I thought that my life began to return to normal ... but it was just an overture of the tragedy. It's not a surprise that girls never saw me, even I don't know where this rabbit hole is.