A Bite of the Apple

20 - Trauma

It was just over a week after my torture that I had my first panic attack. Since Siyeon lived with me now, she slept with me in my bed every night. With her strong, comforting presence, I felt at ease in the darkness.

The trouble came when, one night, Siyeon was out with some of the girls. I had to sleep early because I had work the next day, so Siyeon, at my urging, went on without me. She worried sometimes, but I told her I would be okay.

I was wrong.

That night, when I turned off the lights, I saw them. Nightmares, all around me. Here to take me away. And hurt me.

I screamed and turned the lights back on. My heart was hammering in my chest. I couldn't breathe. I was sweating. Not enough air. I wasn't safe. I yelled out for Siyeon. She wasn't here. I began to cry. I curled up in the corner, clutched the walls, and sobbed as I tried to keep breathing.

After a solid fifteen minutes, maybe more, things began to subside. I began to calm down again. The edge was still there though. I dared not turn off the lights. Instead, I grabbed a knife from the kitchen area and stood in the corner, fully alert. When I began to feel drowsy, I made some instant coffee, and stayed up.

By the time Siyeon came back home, I was a shaky wreck. My eyes were red and puffy. I had stood in the corner with that knife all that time.

When Siyeon saw me, she dropped her bag and rushed over.

"Bora! Are you okay? What happened?" She grabbed my hands and worked the knife free from them.

"N-nothing," I lied. "Couldn't sleep is all."

Siyeon raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I bet you couldn't." Then she hugged me.

We stayed like that for a long while. Siyeon didn't say anything. We simply stood there, hugging and gently swaying like reeds in the wind. She didn't push me. Didn't pry. I knew she knew something was up, but didn't press for answers. Instead, she comforted me. Wrapped her arms around me. Pulled me close. Kissed my cheeks. Told me she loved me.

After a while, she began telling me about her night. How Yoohyeon got too drunk again and started dancing on the table. Granted, the dancing was surprisingly good, but it was on the table. The Dreamcatchers were soon asked to leave the establishment, which was far too genteel for Drunk Yoohyeon's tastes anyway. Siyeon had suggested she should work at a strip club instead, which earned a withering look from Minji.

It took almost an hour of talking about this and that before I opened up about what actually happened. Siyeon was careful and attentive. After I told her, she kissed me gently on the lips and reminded me that she was here for me, as well as the rest of the girls.

I told her that I had a few issues after our first adventure when a Nightmare stabbed me, and I'd seen a doctor and a psychologist about it. Siyeon suggested that I do that again. I said no, I'll be fine. The problem was different back then. I had to wrap my head around all that I'd seen. This was just a bit of anxiety, nothing more.

The panic attacks only got worse from there. Shadows, big and small, triggered me. I saw Nightmares in every nook and cranny. I saw them in my sleep. I saw them in the dark, backstage with the theater company. It wasn't long before they fired me. Goodbye to my dreams of dancing for a living. I cried and cried and cried.

Despite my telling her not to, Siyeon told the rest of the girls. I was angry at first, but ultimately, it was a relief. I didn't have to pretend everything was okay anymore.

Because it wasn't.

One night, they all knocked on my door. They sat on my bed. And together, they urged me over and over to get help. Under their combined might, I caved.

I used up some sick leave from my receptionist job, and saw the doctor again with Siyeon. He put me on something called a beta blocker. Then I saw my psychologist every week. I went alone to those appointments.

Let me tell you, it was not easy. I was moody. I barely slept, barely ate. Siyeon made sure to drag me out with the girls from time to time though, and I'm glad for that. I felt better afterwards each time.

It took me a year to be okay sitting in the dark alone. I didn't last very long, but I did it. With repeated effort, the time gradually lengthened. Six months after that, I slept alone in the dark.

Don't get me wrong though. I always checked the darkness twice. And I always slept with a knife.

One day, yet more months later, Siyeon spoke to me about it.

"Isn't it time you let that go?" she said.

And so I did.

What happened to me is seared into my mind forever, my innocence torn to shreds.

But I am older now. Stronger. Wiser.

That will have to be enough.