The Rejects of Richmond University | editing

30. The One At the Grave

❝Life is for the living.
Death is for the dead.
Let life be like music.
And death a note unsaid.❞

—Langston Hughes

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a/n:

ten more chapters till the end
would you want a sequel?
however, this time entirely from the guys p.o.v.
for the next semester or
back to the girls p.o.v. for the next semester (?)
tell me your thoughts in the comments
i have concepts for a sequel
(which would be inside this book)

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💔 BRENDA 💔

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I was in my car, driving like my life depended on it, without any concern of being safe while speeding along the avenue. I had to get out that house and as far away from it as possible.

"You...just called me Scott," Ziyan's exact words rung in my ears, despite how loud I played the music on the radio. I couldn't get the pain in his voice out of my head, the pure devastation rattling in his pupils. It was burned into my memory, put in place so firm in my mind to remind me of how awful of a person I was.

I wanted to kiss Ziyan for a long time, longer than I could keep count of. I imagined what would happened next after such a blissful moment, but none of my imaginative scenarios acted out the possibility of me moaning out my best friend's name.

Scott's name of all names came out of my mouth. It would've made more sense, to me at least, if I had said Harris' name, over and over, by mistake. But that didn't occur. What happened, which was much worse, was to say a name of a boy Ziyan knew, Ziyan saw everyday, and had the ability to share the embarrassing information to.

He wouldn't, I thought, more so prayed in reality, He wouldn't tell Scott about it. What on earth would he gain from that?

I was well aware that I shouldn't be drive in the state that I was. I wasn't in a bad form to drive, but by definition, I was 'under the influence' and had no right behind the wheel. I slowed down in speed the longer I pondered on that fact, elated that I had managed to get to my destination without harming anyone or damaging my car.

I wish I would've stopped somewhere to grab flowers, maybe even a candle to light next to her spot. I had gone by my mother's grave earlier last week, bringing yellow roses with me in honor of my sister's tenacity.

Visiting her grave, though hard at first, had become my favorite place to vent since midterm season started. It made me, for a single moment, put myself in a place of pretend, acting as though there was someone there listening. Acting as if my mother was alive and well, hearing me detail my day. I liked to believe that, deep down inside, that she was up above listening in on my outcries.

I crashed into the soft grass around her plot, wiping the tears that were already making their way down my face. I didn't know when I started, probably some time during the drive. They wouldn't go away and I couldn't stop them from falling. Being here, close to my mother, hopefully would help them cease.

"I'm back," I croaked, "Miss me?"

I sniffled loudly, holding my sleeve up to my face. "I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore, mom. It's like my heart wants one thing and it hasn't discussed its stance with my head long enough for them to come to some sort of agreement... does that even make any sense?"

I paused, coughing into my fist. "I was able to make things better with Scott and I...but that doesn't mean we're back to how we used to be. I miss how we were before. I guess I could blame myself for that one, agreeing to live with a friend. Maybe Wendi was wrong when she said I shouldn't stay back home for a year."

I weighted to gather my thoughts, running my fingers through the blades of grass and listening in on the rustling noise of the wind going through the trees. "I don't know what I want. I think that's the problem. I like to act as if I have things figured out and I'm this no-nonsense type of person. But in actuality...I don't know what I really am. It feels like a front some of the time, like I'm lying to my own true identity. I thought going to college would help me sort that kind of stuff out, but it hasn't. Being an adult is a sham. I don't feel any less confused than I did in high school."

Falling on to my back, I relaxed into the grass and took in a deep breath. "I wish you were still alive."

It wasn't to say my mother would know what the perfect solution would be, but having her presence here with me would soften the blow of loneliness taking over my mind.

Don't waste your time on moping, thinking, sitting, was what my mother said. Life is for living. So live. You can't live life trapped in your thoughts.

She was right about that, right about all of it. I couldn't dwindle my time away on what played out in my imagination, stuck in a place that no one but me would see.

Fueled with more energy than before, I took my keys out of my pocket and went back to my car. I drove myself right to campus, finding a parking spot not too far from the front of the lecture hall. Scott was in his history class today. We both knew our schedule by memory so it wasn't hard to figure out where his class would be.

Life is for the living, so live, was what my mother believed and what was now my new motto. I needed to hear that, but didn't know how desperately.

As a stream of students began filing out of the lecture room, I scanned the faces for Scott's. When the finally settled on his, I took a step away from my car and towards him, but not for long. I became stuck on the curb as a girl ran into him, holding him by the waistline.

"Shit! You scared me," Scott laughed, twirling her around. "Good one."

I opened my mouth to gain his attention, however, his name became lodged in my throat when their lips touched, going into a full blown make out session.

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