Anxiety

55.

The all too familiar wave comes crashing
hard and strong down on me and all
I can do to shield my delicate and fragile body
and mind from it is weakly outstretch my arms above
my head, praying that those tiny frail limbs of mine
will protect me from some of the damage.
Why do I lie to myself?
Why do I lie to others?
Why do I wear this fake smile?
What is going on in my mind?
What am I really feeling?
Well I'll tell you this,
if I had my way,
if I wasn't an adult,
if I didn't want to embarrass myself,
I'd curl up in a ball and cry forever and wish that I had some answers
and maybe I could just nonchalantly go on with this oh so cushiony life
and go to my minimum wage college part time job and get home
and binge watch Breaking Bad and just have minor bills to pay as
I get to sleep in the bed that I've had since I was born
(literally since I was born because it was transformed from my crib)
and I get to hide away from everything and everyone.
Mainly everyone.
Because that is what I'm afraid of most...
Isn't it?
Isn't it?
People.
No one in particular.
Just everyone.
It's a phobia of people.
It's a phobia of letting people in and letting people get to know me
and love me
and talk to me
and enjoy my company.
So I become a clam, clamped up in my little shell where I don't have to worry if no one wants to love me and talk to me and enjoy my company.
I know people look at me weird,
and think how could I not love this life,
this period of my life now is supposed to be this empowering,
soul searching, ramen noodle eating, incredible time
of triumph and failure
and discovery.
Maybe I'm ungrateful, but I don't want this life right now
I want to fast forward a few years but even that is pretty frightening
and I don't know what I want
and I don't know what is my choice
and what are the ones of others
and I'm too easily influenced and
I want to cry
and scream
and heave
and hurt
and laugh
and be a normal college student.
But I can't.
Because my soul wasn't created to ever be 19.
It was never supposed to enter this phase of life,
well maybe it was,
but it will most definitely be the most difficult for me.
I don't know.
I'm just this naive girl that hasn't experienced much
and wants to badly but at the same time
wants to stay in her shell
and I slowly just keep retreating back home and
fear straying away too far and
I'm just sick of being literally sick
and this write is for me and all of my mixed emotions.
Please God,
watch over me.
Throw something good my way.
But then again, I have to be brave enough to let it help me.
Oh God,
please,
I don't know if I can do this.
I am weak
I failed
I am the exception.
It's not that I'm not used to it, it's just,
for once,
I wanted to be the rule.
And for a girl that follows all of the rules so carefully,
I still manage to break this one.
Who am I
What am I going to be
Who am I going to be
Is this the real me
or some hackneyed product made solely from everyone else's choices and opinions and
I don't know.
Please let my phobia fade,
and to me:
let me live my life.