Blindsided

Nothing will change at all.

Summer rushed out of the room to follow Autumn who was crying. I had an internal debate on whether I should stay and listen to what Stephanie has to say about me, or to follow Autumn when I know that I won't be able to comfort her anyway.

Stephanie's now on the podium and tears are falling down from her eyes.

"It's incredibly heartbreaking that someone like Winter had to leave us at such a young age. She was a good friend, she always has been.

Hah, friend, my ass.

Winter, unlike her name, serves as our sunshine. She's the type of person who would brighten up everyone's days while she's struggling to find her own silver lining.

People do not know that behind that warm smile is a storm trying to calm itself before it ruins everything.

Somehow I think and I fervently pray that wherever she is, she's happy. That's what she always wanted for everyone, and now that's the only thing I wish for her."

No, it isn't what I want for everyone. I want everyone to know everything. I want them to feel the excruciating pain of all the truths that I've been hiding for the past years.

I want them to open their eyes and see how long betrayal has been lurking in the shadows of their relationships.

But then they wouldn't. Because I'm the only one who knows what's been happening.

And I'm dead, so I really can't do anything about it.

All I can do is sit here and listen to people's stupid (and fake) eulogies for me.

I don't even want to do this, but I wanted to know what people would say about me because I never really got to hear them when I was alive. All I ever heard was secrets, but nobody told me about how I was so good at keeping them.

Stephanie just sat back down on her seat and I laughed at how people were comforting her when Autumn, my bestfriend, just ran out of the room just so people wouldn't see her cry. Two types of people.

Now, where do I find Autumn and Summer?

Walking out of the room didn't hurt me one bit, I'd rather look for my friends than to listen to all of the bullshit my "friends" have to say about me.

"You know if Winter could hear you, she wouldn't want to hear you crying." I turned around and saw Autumn crying on one of the benches outside the room. Summer was standing in front of her with a piece of paper held in her hand.

I'm guessing it's her eulogy, but now she won't get to speak because she's here, comforting Autumn. She sat down on the floor in front of Autumn and pulled out a tissue box.

"Do you think Winter's happy? I mean, she wanted this, right?" Autumn said.

Summer just stared at her and said, "I don't think anyone would really want to die. I don't think Winter did."

They sat in silence as Autumn pulled out my iPod from her bag. She handed one earpod to Summer who stood up to sit beside her.

What are they listening to?

I sat down beside them and looked at the iPod screen. They were listening to Pompeii by Bastille which is probably the best song I've ever listened to when I was still alive.

I desperately wanted to hear it again, but then I couldn't. There were only two earpods and there were two of them.

It's always been like this, I was the one who had to adjust to them. They lived near each other's houses, they have the same interests, they were almost inseparable.

I was different. I've always been the one who had different opinions because I see and know things that they don't, so I always felt the need to change their opinions into something that would complenent mine.

Now they're here, listening to a song they probably wouldn't like if it weren't for me. Autumn is the type of girl who likes listening to relaxing, sweet music while Summer likes dance music.

"You know she never got to make me a playlist?" Summer said.

That's right. I had playlists for everything but I never made her one. I could have, if I didn't die young.

After about a minute they were both crying. I know why. Whenever this song plays, I will always be singing the background vocals and now they couldn't hear me anymore.

I know that they miss me as much as I miss them and the only things that I will leave for them to remember me by will be my stories and my playlists.

I know why they're listening to this song. My mom probably didn't believe them when they told her that I wanted this song to be played in my funeral. But I really did.

I wanted people to realize that if I die, nothing will change at all. Things will still be the same. My death wouldn't affect them as much.

It was a song about how no matter how much you recognize the faults in yourself and in others, no matter how big you dream, when you stop and think about your life and you've done nothing, you still haven't moved, there is no progress, and it feels like life is swallowing you and you really can't do anything about it.

That was how I was before I died and I think they didn't know that I loved the song because it represents my state of mind.

But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?