t r u t h s l a p | critique shop [temp. closed]

S.O.S Who is our Killer?

S.O.S Who is our Killer? by alvarez30McA

Critique language: Filipino-English
Date posted: 15th February, 2019

Warning: You may or may not like what you are about to read. Nonetheless, I don't give a flying fig about it. Not only once did I warn you. Sorry, not sorry.

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I did not expect this story to be so entertaining.

My first impression was, “Ugh, another 'Guess who's the killer' type of story,” because the title is too giving it away. And the blurb is not very impressive. Parang katulad lang ito ng mga karaniwang killer story kung saan mayroong changing of point of views sa mga characters para ipakita ang mga sides nila saka huhulaan ng mga readers at pati na rin ng mga characters kung sino ba talaga ang killer.

But this story is entirely different. Nasa point of view ito ng mismong killer at ang aabangan ng mga readers ay kung paano mahulaan ng ibang mga characters na siya pala ang killer.

So I suggest the author to write a more intriguing blurb to tease readers. Tingin ko kasi, masyado nang maraming 'guess who's the killer' type na mga kwento kaya nauumay na ang mga readers. Hindi nila ito babasahin sa pag-aakalang isa ito sa mga kwentong may overused plots.

I enjoyed reading this story a lot. Kaya sana alisin ng author ang lahat ng nagpapapangit sa kwento para marami pa ang readers na magugustuhan ito.

I don't like to point out errors on the technicalities, but these errors are ruining the story.

First, the language.

Taglish is commonly used by Filipino writers. Pero mukhang sumobra naman yata ang storyang ito.

Why can't it be one sentence in straight English, then the next sentence in Filipino? Hindi yung hinalo ang dalawang lenggwahe sa iisang sentence. Not only it sounds informal but a little conyo as well. On this story's case, it sounds gay for the main character.

Suggestions:

“Mom, got to go,” sabi ko kay Mommy at hinalikan siya.

“Mom, got to go,” I told Mom and kissed her.