Through Sunshine and Rain//JHS✔️

Chapter 5//Just Under The Surface

For a few days, Hana only received the occasional text message from Hoseok. As an excuse, she assumed that he was maybe training or doing office work for the organization, but deep down she knew something was wrong.

It wasn't like Hoseok to be so distant from Hana.

   Hana had known it since he'd arrived back in Seoul. The signs of fatigue and poor self-care manifested physically. She'd been able to verbally call attention to them during dinner, but he'd only slightly acknowledged the truth in her words.

   However, the other signs weren't necessarily things one could easily point out to Hoseok. At least, the non-confrontational Hana struggled to point them out.

   His smile seemed slightly muted as if it was tired. He hadn't laughed as often, and sometimes, when he thought she wasn't looking, she caught a glimpse of pain in his eyes. They were tired, they weren't as bright, and they weren't his.

   Internally Hana wondered where Hobi really was. Where he'd left his happiness. What had taken so much of it? She wondered if there was anything she could possibly do to return him to his former self.

******

   He really was happy. Kind of.

   He had worked so hard to get to where he was.  The hard, grueling years of studying social work in university and the years training to work abroad had paid off. The fatigue and stress he'd gone through had eventually landed him a job at an international aid organization's office in Seoul. After a year and a half of filing form after form for faceless names, Hoseok had been given an opportunity to go abroad. Now he spent the better half of each year traveling to different locations and offering basic medical care, supply distribution, help with building projects, and so much more. He was finally helping people like he had dreamed he would as a child. He wasn't in it for the recognition, but the gratitude he received and the smiles the people he helped make the job well worth all of his hard work. He was able to teach kids how to dance, and in return, they taught him their own cultural dances or songs. Hoseok loved the beauty of creating connections despite language and cultural barriers. He loved seeing people hope and dream for the first time in a long time even if it was because he'd given them a seemingly meaningless item or service. He was seeing new places and meeting new people constantly. All of this made Hoseok happy.

  It was hard though. Going from place to place was tiring and he often felt like he had to leave just as he was beginning to feel at him, just as he was beginning to make an impact. It was hard to leave his family and friends behind so often, both in Korea and across the world. It was hard to endure the constant pressure to grow and do more and more. Seeing the fatigue of the other team members distressed him too, and he worried about their health and well-being constantly.

   Every day he tried to encourage them to care well for themselves. He did everything he could to ensure they didn't overwork themselves, and they did the same for him.

   Of course, he found ways to work around them. Whether it was studying languages, cultures, or brainstorming new aid techniques, he hardly ever stopped. He wanted to offer the best help he could to people, but there was something else too. After all these years he still felt he had to prove himself. He still felt he wasn't worthy of the love and respect others gave him.

The worst thing his job brought was the face-to-face confrontation with pain and disaster. Hoseok had been to the remotest regions of the world. He'd been to war-torn countries full of widows and orphans. He'd worked to help the poorest peoples in the world. The images of the hungry, tear-stained faces of young children were imprinted in his mind. The feeling of helplessness was familiar to him. In his heart, he knew there was no possible way he could ever feed every child, build every school and hospital, or restore each village. There was simply no way he could reach out to all of the hurting hands in the world.

   Lately, the thoughts of helplessness and unworthiness had become almost constant for him. They kept him up at night, they dimmed his smile, and they diminished his usually hopeful attitude. To appease, or maybe to drown out, these thoughts he'd slipped into a routine.

   Work to improve, to become worthy. Then drink, to forget and to quiet the thoughts.

   He knew it was unhealthy, but it was also effective.

   He knew that he had started to worry the other members of his team while they were in South America. He just reasoned that once he was in Seoul it would all be okay. Once he was back with Hana everything would be okay again. That was how it had always worked before, and he put his diminishing hopes in his old, reliable friend.

   It hadn't changed when he returned to Seoul though. There was no immediate relief from his problems. He felt the same pressing loneliness when he stepped off of the plane, and he began to grow frantic.
Seeing Hana and spending time with her hadn't immediately reassured him of his own worth, and her bright cheeriness hadn't made all of his sadness and loneliness disappear. His hopes had been dashed.
So instead of spending more time with her, Hoseok pulled away. His routine intensified.

   Jung Hoseok had set himself to self-destruct, and Hana had no idea what was going on in his mind.

A/N: 

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

*Novi*