My maybe-not-so-horrible-anymore-right-now life.
I attempted to add as many tags as I could when I tried to think about details of myself I wanted to mention. I'll keep it as clean as possible and only mention the more...triggering content only as a...
In August of 2016 I fell deeply and hopelessly in love.
One year and almost seven months later, I finally got myself to break up with him.
It wasn't easy, but when I look back the signs were apparent really early on. When he claimed I didn't love him I'd get really pissed. When I'd try to tell him things and all he could say was "I'm sorry". The first time he had tried to manipulate a conversation all I could think was "This is really bad. I should break up with him. NO I CAN'T I LOVE HIM."
I'm not going to discredit him though. He got me through a lot. He watched my life change so many times and in so many ways in that short amount time.
But he also didn't appreciate me. His expectations were too high and unfair. He started complaining about things I didn't think of doing, like I'm somehow a mind reader and didn't do what he nicely asked me to do. Grumbling and mumbling about the things I did that he didn't like.
When my survivor stopped whispering and started engaging, I knew it was over. I had to turn into that person ahead of time most days so I could cope with obligatory conversations that I knew would end with me somehow getting blamed for something.
My friends felt bad for me. They saw what he was doing and they didn't like it either. My best friend left me because she couldn't stand seeing me in pain anymore. That's a different story for another time maybe. A lot happened in the same week.
So I broke up with him. I cried at first, but then I felt this relief wash over me. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I had done the right thing.
Except old habits die really hard. I missed our video chats and good morning and goodnight texts. But that was it. I was glad to not have to have conversations with him anymore, to not have to hold his hand or hug him (as the days go by I hate physical contact more and more). I was glad to not be blamed, to actually live as myself instead of constantly coping with the use of my survivor (From now on her name is Kana) (I...found old messages that I...forgot...about...and her name was mentioned).
Kana...she was born out of pain and abuse...but she always had good intentions. It just took her awhile to be nicer about it, and it took me awhile to trust her.
She's usually right, especially this time. I have gotten so much further than I ever would've if I had stayed with my ex. I still respect him and I'd still help him out if he asked, but he's just not for me. He's really not for anyone until he can accept what other people say about him and reflect on it instead of pulling out excuses and not-really-apologies.
I have somebody that appreciates me now anyway 💚💚
Moral of the story:
If you don't like the person that you are around someone, it's perfectly okay for you to leave. It's fine if you let them leave without a fight too.
You're not being selfish or heartless, you're only trying to keep yourself happy and healthy. If that means cutting a tie or eight ties, it's fine.
You'll get through it.
You're strong enough.
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I can't remember how long ago I saw this but it was so long ago 😂😂 ~~~~
