Living the Non-Binary Life

27.) My Story in Four Parts

Part I: Pre-K

Is every little kid confused about why we're separated the way that we are? What about the bathrooms? I didn't understand why I couldn't use one of them while the other was occupied.

It was innocent then, like any other little kid. When a child says they want to be a gender they weren't assigned, you have to take it with a grain of salt. They don't really get it yet, you know?

So at that time, when I wanted to go with the other group, the boy group, it was innocent.

Part II: Elementary School

This is around when it stops being innocent.

I vividly remember standing in the wood chips and seriously wanting to tell everyone I was a boy.

But deep down, I knew that after awhile that would be uncomfortable.

I didn't like that either.

So why am I thinking this way?

If I'm thinking about being a boy, but also not being a boy, but no way am I a girl, definitely not... then what?

These thoughts are so CRAZY.

Boy.

Not boy.

Not girl.

What then?

Around and around, over and over. I start to get desperate. I panic.

I asked to use the bathroom.

I sobbed because something was wrong with me, I shouldn't be thinking these things, I'm not normal.

I can never tell anyone.

At six years old, I made this decision. But all throughout elementary school, it was still there. That feeling of not belonging. I was always on the edge of a panic attack about it, but eventually I learned how to shove it away when it got that bad.

Don't think about it. Go do something else. Be what you're supposed to be. It's the easiest way.

This was when I stopped simply pushing it away. Puberty hit, and I was expected to embrace it. It doesn't help that I've always been the oldest in my grade.

It's not just a loss of childhood, it's the beginning of a hell that not every prepubescent child will ever understand.

It's dysphoria.

I ignored it. In fact, I did the complete opposite of what I knew to be true. I stood in front of that mirror, and I wrestled my hair into a cheerleader-tight pony tail, and I put make up on over my eyes, and I forced that damn smile. I tweaked my style and convinced myself I'd fit in better if I did.

I didn't fit in better. So... what now?

Part III: Middle School

I moved to a different school, in a different part of the state when middle school started.

I just didn't understand anyone. Why do the other girls want a bigger chest? Why are they proud of that awful, dreadful day when they're officially a woman?

Am I the only one that cries at night? Am I the only one that can't summon any type of good feelings for the chest I have now?

Now I hate myself. I become so self absorbed in my confusion and self hatred that my --now long distance-- friends drop away one by one, unable to handle depression at such a young age.

I'm simply lost. I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and there's nothing for me to do.

Part IV: High School/College

I got into a college program during my freshman year of high school.

I made awesome friends, even got a boyfriend.

A boyfriend that happened to teach me about nonbinary genders.

My mother left that year.

I could actually research it if I let myself.

In no way whatsoever was the decision easy, but the euphoria of knowing that I wasn't alone was completely undeniable.

I researched it.

After sixteen years, I came out to the family that cares for me, to my friends, and to my school.

I finally, finally, found myself.

~~~~

Be true, stay you ❤❤

~Day Dreamer~