The Silence Between Us ✓

[17] Loosen Up

We finally stopped off at Starbucks, Katie's bags taking up quite a bit of the table. We hadn't been shopping too long, but I realised quite early on what little experience I did have with the subject. It didn't really matter too much; it was a lot of Katie asking my opinions on clothes and, due to the unfavourable circumstances, I gave very brief ones at that. We'd got an outfit for her party at least so I guess it wasn't going that badly?

The notebook was placed in the middle of us, not that I was particularly using it at this point.

Yes, it really was that awkward.

I gave a small sigh and had the screw this feeling for the millionth time. I'd spent the whole time trying to please her, say the right thing, smile politely and it all just felt so wrong. I had no idea what motivation she had for speaking to me and for all I knew, it could easily be to get back at Mackenzie. I didn't really care at this point; all I knew was that if she hoped we would become friends, it wasn't working. I was actually indirectly helping Mackenzie if that were the case, which filled me with even more dread than I had before – I was actually proving Mackenzie right. I needed to do something at least.

Can I ask you a question? I wrote it nonchalantly, sipping my coffee like it didn't mean anything. To be honest it really didn't – I was beyond caring about how she thought about me.

"Sure go ahead"

Why are you still speaking to me? I know it sounds weird but like you seem like the kind of person that would usually hate me and only spoke to me that time because you were upset.

"I know and to be honest if I hadn't fallen out with Mackenzie, it would still be the case, but... I don't know... seeing how she always acts like she's better than everyone else and how we used to care about such petty things like who wore what dress at parties, it just all seemed so... stupid. I know this is going to make me sound like a stalker, but whenever I see you in lessons or when Mrs Porter talks to you, you always seem so... I dunno... down to earth. Like you're the exact opposite. I sat next to you in Biology because I wanted to talk to you and when it was so awkward... I don't know, it's like I'd just proved that I was useless without having Mackenzie as a best friend."

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't deny that it was true – I didn't care about petty things that I'd assumed Mackenzie obsessed over – but at the same time, it was like she wanted me to be someone that I wasn't. Like I was just some rebellious project for her to feel less like a fake mean girl. I didn't want to be part of that, because at the end of the day, it would all end when the two made it up. It would all be great before then, granted, but was it worth going back to the loneliness I had before? Or would that just be the case in the end anyway? I realised that I'd been staring into space and the best thing to do would probably just be to explain, as best I can anyway.

Look, Katie, I... I don't know how to say this. You're right, I'm probably the opposite to Mackenzie in that respect, but I don't want to be some tool you use to feel like you're not part of that clique anymore. I just want us to be friends in a way that's totally real.

"I totally agree – this isn't some project I promise – I just wanted a better friend to be honest and you seemed like the best candidate?"

Me? You don't know anything about me?

"Exactly"

I'm slightly lost but I'm not going to question it because as long as we're friends that's fine
Oh shit, that sounds so cringy sorry!

"Lol."

It should be put on some cheap friendship bracelet

"Omg yes – the kind of thing that friends think are like the be all and end all in primary school – I remember crying once because this girl that I was friends with didn't give me one!"