Forgetting You But Not The Time || Real Life

August 1999

I was dying for a hit. All this touring had me exhausted. All I could think about in the recent months was Fever and I had no clue why. She was gone, she was out of my life, or was she? I don't know why I was so torn up about her. She was my best friend since we were 10, but I didn't care if she dated I really didn't, I wanted her to be happy and she was, so what was my deal? Over the past few months since our first real time gig I had overdosed a total of 6 times. Alex and Jamie were most likely getting tired of my bullshit. I was half expecting them to up and leave me. Why had they stuck around for so long? I had no clue. I felt useless and like my life had no purpose anymore. I was still only 19 and had been through so much, I never expected to make it as far as I did at this point. I was laying on the bed in our hotel room in Massachusetts, staring at the ceiling. I wasn't ready for our show tonight and I don't think I'd ever be.
...
I could hear the sound of the crowd even though it was still quite a small venue, the kind where everyone is packed tightly together and too close to the stage. Jamie ran out on stage to get herself set before Alex and I went out there. The crowd cheered more for her and I could picture that stupid smile on her face.
"Go on Alex" I gave her a shove. She playfully punched me.
"You gonna be okay?" She asked me.
"Yeah I'll be fine, just get out there we've gotta start soon." She smiled and left. I heard the crowd once more and could picture the nervous, stupid smile on Alex's face. My anxiety level was through the roof and I could feel an attack coming on. I just had to get out there and play it would calm me down. So I went out on stage not wanting to keep anyone waiting. I didn't want anyone dealing with my bullshit that day or ever again. As soon as my feet touched the stage the  screams began and I hated it. I hated being the center of attention, I loved playing music but I absolutely hated the attention it got me. I began to sing and play and do whatever crazy shit it was I normally did hoping the overwhelming sense of a panic attack would leave my body. That feeling however never left. That feeing stayed, and towards the end of our set I knew what was coming and I collapsed on stage. I couldn't breathe and it felt like everything was coming down around me. I wanted out, I wanted to jump out of my body. I couldn't take these attacks anymore. I lay there curled up against my guitar, shaking and on the verge of puking. I was hoping someone would take me away from here. I couldn't get up and everyone knew it. I heard footsteps running towards me as I was nearing the end of the attack. Then I was being dragged away, I didn't want to open my eyes because the tears wouldn't stop coming. I was tossed onto a softer surface and I opened my eyes. Alex and Jamie were there and I was on the couch.
"I knew you weren't okay." Alex said.
"I'm fine." I turned my face into the couch.
"Fine? Billie, you call that fine? You call breaking down and stopping our set early because you can't get your shit together fine?" She snapped.
"Alex I think we need to let her be..." I saw Jamie pull her aside through the corner of my eye that wasn't stuffed into the couch. Alex stormed out of the room clearly extremely pissed off.
"Billie?" I heard and saw Jamie sit in a chair across from me. I gave her my middle finger and buried the rest of myself into the couch. I heard her leave and I finally felt at peace.