I asked my friends why they are still friends with me. None of them could give me an actual answer. All that happened was one refused to answer and the other just said 'you cool'. They couldn't give me an actual reason when I can come up with a million reasons to not be friends with me.
1. Ugly
2. Clingy
3. Unsure
4. Aggressive
5. Failure
6. Idiot
etc.
Earlier today, for the second time this year, I spilled someone elses milk all over two of my friends and their stuff.
I play tennis and I played my first singles match, winning 6-3. My coach thinks that I would do good at singles and this just proved his point. My friend (one of the ones i spilled milk on earlier) thinks the only reason is because I have zero self confidence, and hes not wrong. Thats not the only reason though. I need a safety net, a backup, someone who will have my back. Thats why I hate solos in band and playing at all because everything you do can be heard.
I love band. Its given all my friends and the people I care about. I want to quit because I'm just holding everyone back from what they can be. I don't hate it. I don't hate the people in it. I love it more than I love myself. The sensation of making music with the people I care about, nothing can top it. But if i'm doing more damage than good, I should leave. People have talked to me about challenging to move up in chairs, but I can't play by myself in front of other people. Thats not something I can do.
It's become a running joke with my friends that I don't play, but they don't realize that I don't because I have no self esteem and can't handle the pressure of it. Its easier to fake it than to worry about tone and air and angle and articulation and all the other aspects that go into playing an instrument.
I've come to realize that I might be in an emotionally abusive household. My brother is constantly calling me names and making fun of me. Height, weight, hair color, eye color, anything he knows I'm self conscious about. My dad checks grades and gets pissed if they are below a B. He will ground you from everything until the grade comes back up. He screams if one little thing is out of place. He blames me for everything my brother does. My mom is basically a big baby with how poor her motor skills are. I have to clean that up and clean up after my brother and pass my classes and do an extracurricular activity, and have friendships, and practice the flute, and be set up for my future. But I can't do everything hes put on my shoulders. I am now afraid of failure because of him.
I can't keep going. Thats all youre getting tonight. Anymore and Ima start crying.
