Neil Knight Private Dick

A Load of Horseshit

The California Bureau of Security and Investigative Services licenses private investigators in the Golden State. Prospective independent detectives can't simply buy a license, hang out a shingle and start taking on clients. Life isn't a twelve-cent gumshoe weekly.

The list of experience, training and educational requirements is long, and there are many paths a person can take to fulfill them, ranging from 6,000 hours of paid investigative work over three years to 4,000 hours over two years plus a degree in law or police science.

Acceptable investigative work includes employment as a sworn law enforcement officer, military police officer, or doing investigative work under a licensed PI, attorney, repossession firm, insurance agency or arson investigation unit.

The second step to become a Private Investigator is to complete the live scan fingerprint application and get fingerprinted at any live scan facility. The California BSIS uses the prints to perform a criminal background check, and this was where Neil ran into some unexpected trouble.

The Silver Fox Lounge was established in 1980 in Pacific Beach California. An early riser could get a jump start on making bad decisions as happy hour kicked off when the doors opened at 6am, and in his thirties Neil had always been an early morning kind of guy.

The cheap drinks, wall-to-wall leopard carpet and 1970's décor provided the seedy landmark with all the makings of a topnotch dive bar. The lounge had always let its patrons bring in their own food, and back then Neil liked to wash his bacon-egg-and-cheese down with a few Bloody Mary's.

Jimmy Smooth was a fixture at the place in the early eighties, and his specialty was eight ball. The Fox had three pool tables, and the one closest to the bar was reserved for Jimmy.

On September 10, 1986, as morning happy hour was coming to a close, Jimmy racked up the last game in a set, the one ball at the apex, a solid ball and a striped ball at opposite corners. Neil chalked his cue and broke.

On most days Jimmy had the nuts, but on this morning, Neil ran the table, the final shot on the eight-ball going in clean.

"Son of a bitch" were the only words Jimmy said that morning. Neil picked the five spot up off of the table, clinked glasses with his friend, downed the rest of Mary and headed out the door.

The 10 o'clock sun hit him hard, breaking his morning coma like a two a.m. wakeup call in a cheap hotel. The Pacific Beach streets seemed out of focus, and the normal background noise of the streets seemed to be a little more foreground.

As he walked back toward his apartment Neil was keenly aware that his bladder needed attention, so he slipped between two buildings and began to drain the pipe. The feeling of peace and comfort that only a good pee can deliver helped him steady himself.

That was until he heard a voice say "What in hell are you doing?".

Neil spun around quickly, drawing a line of warm urine across the legs of one of Pacific Beach's finest.

A nickel ride is a form of police brutality where a handcuffed prisoner, riding in the back of a police van without benefit of a seatbelt, is tossed violently from one side of the van to the other as the vehicle is driven erratically. That morning Neil had ten cents worth.

The practice of providing rough rides to prisoners has resulted in injuries of varying degrees, from severed spines to fractured limbs.

Like a drunk surviving a car crash, Neil exited the vehicle battered and bruised, but otherwise intact.

Now Public Urination is the purgatory of the justice system – it can either be prosecuted as an infraction or a misdemeanor, the difference being a misdemeanor becomes part of your permanent record. It's even more rare that people are charged with the more serious crime of indecent exposure (California Penal Code section 314), a misdemeanor that requires "lewd" behavior.