Neil Knight Private Dick

Crazy as a Loon

Kathy Lynn Bakker had always had a 'thing' for Hispanics.

Maybe it was because she was a teenager when Officer Francis ("Frank") Llewellyn "Ponch" Poncherello and his sidekick 'whats-his-name' patrolled the streets and freeways of Los Angeles in the hit television series CHiPs, or simply that Erik Estrada was one badass hunk in a cop uniform.

She'd been heartbroken when Frank had been thrown off the force in CHiPs fifth season and replaced by that Bruce Jenner person (who was now a woman – talk about karma!). But then he had come back, she knew he would, for not only the rest of that season, but for another as well. And then they didn't air the show anymore, and at 18 years old, she had fallen into a deep depression.

It hadn't helped that the action figures she had purchased of Ponch, produced by the Mego toy company, some still in their original boxes, suffered from some type of chemical reaction between the plastic figures and the carton's cellophane windows, which turned Ponch's head from a warm flesh color to a sickly gray pallor. Today, collectors refer to it as the "zombie disease", and it's reputed to be potentially toxic. But Kathy didn't care. He was still her Ponchie.

She decided to find him. She drove out to Lucy's Drive In at 1300 W Washington Boulevard in Los Angeles, only to find the restaurant had been closed for years. Frustrated she'd headed to another of Ponch's favorite spots, the Villa Cinzano at 9955 Sunland Blvd in Sunland. But it too was closed. She'd travelled to the trailer park where he'd originally lived, and knocked on doors and asked motor home residents if they knew where he lived, but people only laughed at her and closed their doors. Laughed at her! One person even called the LAPD, and they arrived and took her into custody.

At the station she questioned officers, as they passed by, if they had seen patrolman Poncherello. They too had laughed at her. Why had everyone been laughing?

Later that day her parents had arrived and signed her out, her father driving her back home in the family auto, while her mother drove Kathy's car.

Doctors were at odds as to whether she suffered from Fantasy Prone Personality disorder, where a person blends fantasy with reality, blurring the distinctions between the two OR whether she was experiencing Maladaptive Daydreaming, a type of psychosis often diagnosed as Schizophrenia.

It was the pharmaceutical fluvoxamine that finally drew Kathy back from the edge and helped her manage the symptoms of her malady. Enough to allow her to attend college, graduate with a finance degree, and capture a position as a teller at the Bank of the West at 103 East Memory Lane, in Santa Ana.

Unbeknownst to her co-workers, Kathy suffered a minor relapse in 1998 when CHiPs '99, a made for television movie sequel to the original series, hit the small screen. She appeared more animated at work, peppier, brighter, happier. Almost manic some thought. Erik was back. His absence explained. Perhaps the search for where he lived should continue?

But an attentive doctor modified her dosage, and she was once again pulled back from the brink.

Re-righted, she slowly progressed up the professional ranks, eventually becoming Branch Manager in 2016, at the same location. On her first day in her new position, from her corner office, she saw him walk into the bank. Her bank. Her Ponchie.

He walked up to one of her financial consultants, who, after a brief conversation, had directed him toward her office.

He waved toward her as he approached and a warmth she'd only experienced while watching CHiPs spread over her, settling between her thighs. Her heartbeat quickened. The hairs on her arm grew erect as her skin glowed and tightened.

As he passed through her portal she noted that she had been mistaken. This was confirmed when he offered his hand and his name.

"Carlos Santino Campana" he had said. 'Very pleased to meet you."

She was still breath taken. How could this be? He wasn't her Ponchie, yet she was reacting as if he was.

"Are you alright Miss...?" he had asked.

"Bakker" was all that she could muster.

"Miss Bakker." He had repeated.

And then she fainted.

When she woke up, he was gently lowering her into her Duramont ergonomic adjustable office chair with lumbar support and headrest.

No one on the bank floor had noticed the flurry of activity in her office. He momentarily left her, and returned with a small cold bottle of water.

That's how the affair had begun.

She didn't care that he was married. Ponch had been married too, and his wife had died afterwards. There's no reason to believe Carlos's wife wouldn't die too.

So, when he mentioned to her as they lay in her bed in her home at 405 East Virginia Avenue, which bordered the Santiago Creek Trail, that he thought his wife was cheating on him, her heart soared.

"Is there anything I can do to make it better Ponchie?" she asked.

'Why does she insist on calling me by that pet name' he thought. The bitch was crazy as a loon.

"Yes, my sweet" he responded. "Look to see if she has any other accounts. Watch her banking activity. Call me if there is anything out of the ordinary."

"First you have to do something for me" she responded.

"And what would that be?" he asked.

"Put on the leather boots and helmet and ride me like a motorcycle."

"Should I cuff you as well?" he questioned.

"Oh, my yes."

Crazy as a loon.