Neil Knight Private Dick

Worst Case I Get Laid

"And a Kathy Lynn Bakker called at 1:45 in the afternoon. She said it was urgent that you call her back as soon as possible" said the answering service receptionist.

"That's redundant" replied Carlos.

"Excuse me?" asked the operator.

"Urgent implies as soon as possible" explained Carlos.

"Her words" explained the service operator.

"No doubt" exhaled Carlos.

"I omitted several references to a 'Ponchie' as well" clarified the receptionist.

"Appreciated. Thank you."

"Redundant" stated the operator. "Appreciation implies gratitude."

The telephone clicked.

'A receptionist with an attitude' he thought. He liked that. 'Nice voice too' he thought to himself as he began to create a fantasy image of her in his mind.

One Ringy Dingy.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he dialed the office of the Branch Manager for the Bank of the West at 103 East Memory Lane in Santa Ana.

"Kathy Bakker" replied the voice on the phone.

"It's Carlos."

Her voice raised a few octaves. "Ponchie" she squeaked, then dropping back down, she continued "I've missed you. My garage misses your motorcycle."

'Jesus could the woman be any less pathetic?' he thought.

"I miss you too Kathy" he said. "Now, you called and left a message?"

"Oh yes I did, with that receptionist at your phone service. I didn't even know people other than doctors still used answering services. Servicii? What's the plural possessive?" she pondered.

"The urgent message?" Carlos prompted.

"Oh yes. Your wife's debit card was used this afternoon at the Aloha Hawaiian Barbeque on North Bristol. That made me curious so, I double-checked the fund activity in your joint slush fund account..."

"Savings..."he corrected.

""...savings account and realized that she actually moved twenty-thousand out after the election. Fifteen-thousand was transferred into a new account in her name. The other five must have been kept out as cash."

'What the fuck had his wife needed five large for?' he thought.

"Any way to find out who used the card?" he asked.

"It's a debit card" she responded. "All you need is a pin. But I did access what was purchased, and it was enough food to feed a party of four."

She continued. "But don't lose hope Ponchie. I know the owner and he banks here. I'll give him a call and see if I can find out more. An order this large for lunch, especially with two orders of Loco Moco, he won't forget."

"Thanks Kathy."

"Anything for my rough riding Hispanic" she replied.

The use of call centers began in the early 1960's in Great Britain, when the Birmingham Press and Mail installed Private Automated Business Exchanges to handle customer requests, comments and complaints.

It wasn't until 1963, when telephone headsets became popular and Rockwell International patented its telephone booking system, that the technology began to gain a firm foothold in the United States as a staple of industry.

By the late seventies telephone sales, airline reservations and banking systems all began to take advantage of the simplicity of the systems to streamline processes. When the concept of toll-free calling arrived, it increased both the efficiency of telephone receptionists as well as call volume, ultimately leading to, a decade later, the worldwide expansion of call centers and the outsourcing of these services to third parties.

For Carlos though, it wasn't a matter of assuming the concept adopted by companies as a competent business practice. It simply afforded him a hands-off method of screening his calls and keeping intimate texting from women to his cellphone at a minimum.

Plus, his cell phone was provided and paid for as a donation by an anonymous source. Well, anonymous to others, and he'd kept it that way for years. No reason to share too much of his life with his gangster benefactor.

Five minutes hadn't gone by when his cell phone rang again, and the service informed him of yet another call from Kathy Bakker. The service usually only called him once an hour to bring him up to date.

"Urgent, Ponchie" spoke the receptionist. The same woman as before.

"What's your name?" asked the councilman, putting on the charm. "You've got a great voice."

"Honey" she started, "I'm five-foot-two, a hundred and eighty pounds, one eye and peg leg. I'm setting on my couch in a mumu in Apalachula Bay Florida and I've eaten a bowl of chili for lunch. I'm outsourced and I'm missing parts."

"Thanks for that" replied Carlos. "You're a bit too far away and I'm not good at long distance relationships."

She laughed and disconnected.

'I've still got it' he thought, never really concerned.

He hit redial on his phone and Kathy Bakker picked up immediately.

"I've got your information" she said, laying on the sultry. "But you only get it if you come over tonight."

'Fuck' he thought to himself.

"And bring your cuffs Ponchie. I've been a bad girl and you might have to interrogate me."

'Oh God this better be worth it' he mused.

"I'll be there you bad, bad girl. You may need to be spanked as well."

"I believe I might" she replied.

'Oh well' he thought. 'Worst case I get laid'.