Art Tour!!

conflicts

Ok,ok,I'm sorry this isn't art.We'll get right back to our regularly scheduled program right after this message.But seriously,I need to get some things out there.This isn't to make anyone feel bad for me or anything, I just want my voice to be heard.That being said,this stuff (rightfully) makes me sound very pitiful,so if you don't like sad things,you don't have to read this.If you do anyway and it makes you sad,I'm sure an episode of good ol' mlp will make it better...Unless you're like me and you saw every episode already.There's always a wide selection of anime out there.

So this is a little complicated but...Most people know me as a straight person. I consider myself straight too,even though I've had four girlfriends.*cue the dramatic gasp* Ok,ok,so I'll get right to the point.Each one of them asked me out and I didn't say no.Because I couldn't. (No,I didn't date them all at once) I've also had a boyfriend but...I just didn't feel anything with any one of them.Even if I DID feel something for one of my past girlfriends in a romantic sense, I would probably run away out of fear.Y'see,I dunno about all you people who are freely expressing your sexuality,but I've been taught that the Lord will damn me to Hell if I commit such a mortal sin.HELL,people!!!There IS no heavier subject than that!It's absolutely terrifying.The thought of being tortured to unimaginable lengths until you eventually disappear from reality when everyone else in heaven lives on with NO means of salvation is the most terrifying thing I could EVER think of.So I'd willingly bury ANY romantic feelings for any girls knowing that could happen to me if I ever had feelings like that. I just gotta learn how to turn people down before it's too late...I broke up with most of my past girlfriends with excuses because that's easier to do when you're online.One of my girlfriends knew me in person and I was lucky enough for her to have to break up with me because she was moving and never coming back.Now I don't have to worry about going to Hell as much.Thank the Lord.
Also,for me,it's not just that I'm terrified of dating girls,but romance in general scares me to death.My boyfriend made me feel so trapped and suffocated and I let it go on for months,having mental breakdowns the entire time.The thing is,I already had mental breakdowns regularly before then,so it just looked like I had them slightly more often,because that's exactly what it was.But this time,my depression was so much stronger and I really wanted to kill myself more than ever before. I just couldn't handle the thought that I could be stuck with someone I didn't even like for the rest of my life,only to end up not achieving my dreams because I had to spend all of my time on this person who needed attention 24/7.There's nothing wrong with being like that,but please do NOT force it onto someone like me who will try to kill themselves over it because of their stupid,intense emotions.And with what I'm doing, I probably won't be able to spend ANY time on a significant other. I couldn't have one anyway because I know they'd inevitably ruin my artwork that I pour my heart into,just like everyone else that I was dumb enough to show my work to. I can't even trust my closest friends.That's the thing about the internet. I finally have a place to show people my art without freaking out and almost dying every time,wondering who will be the person to ruin it in some way.90% of people don't even care when they see me crying,unable to stop the tears because they've ruined something I worked so hard on and can never remake.The other 10% do it on accident but it tears me apart even more because it's SO HARD not to cry in front of them.
I don't even think I'll be able to handle myself in the future but I sure as heck won't be trusting ANYONE enough to be my significant other and live in the same house that I use to protect my art.

Also,this is on a different subject,but I just really wanted to be a little,but from what I've seen,they're apparently not very nice to their caretakers. I've been told by a friend that caretakers can be friends or people that are closer than that.(which I will never have,thankfully) And I just don't think I could do it...

Also,today I couldn't eat lunch because I was too busy crying over being a bad person.When one of my friends asked what I meant by 'bad person' , I couldn't really think of anything,but I never can in these situations.She reassured me and made sure I didn't feel like a bad person anymore. I really don't know what my reasoning was,but I know there had to be some reason...and maybe the fact that I'd been losing a lot of sleep lately kinda didn't help...