Pillowtalks

xxii

Eren had heard of St. Luke's. A small, abandoned cathedral overlooking their small town, a place for the lonely and lost.

She never thought she'd need to go there one day. She was lonely at times, lost most of the time but she really didn't feel the need to. But tonight, her feelings overwhelmed her, her thoughts chaotic and unbalanced to the point that it scared her to bear them. She just needed an outlet and Noah by her side.

During the course of the times they met, she realised that it was easy for her to feel safe around him. Awkward really, but that feeling of being safely caved in, warmth and relaxation slowly seeping in, was hard to ignore. She felt on edge when she talked to people, self-conscious to the point of doubt and wallowing in her own cocoon and when Noah came along and those feelings were quite opposite to what she had expected, it was fascinating and new and scary. Tonight all she wanted to do was let everything that was eating her out. She just needed his presence to feel a little bit better. A selfish reason but just as desperate.

The hill was really just an open space, a little bit of grass and more of pebbles, a small withered tree on the side. But the view it provided in this chilly night was rewarding and elegant. Small dots of stars connecting into constellations could be noticed. A clear night. Eren watched her steps as she reached closer to the edge, the moonlight her only guide. She let out a deep breath, watching her breath disappearing into the atmosphere. She cracked a smile.

She waited for a while, hands warming up her arms covered in a thin cardigan. Summer really was coming to an end, the fallen leaves on the hills were proof to that. Eren sadly smiled again.

The sound of leaves crackling under shoes got her attention and she didn't need to turn around to know who it was. Noah was huffing, sounding like he ran an extra mile. It was true to an extent. He wanted to get here faster, not wanting her to wait.

"Hey." Eren looked up as Noah stood by her side. He nodded, trying not to breathe harshly but failing miserably, which made Eren laugh.

"Why'd you run here?" She enquired.

"Didn't want you to wait in the dark." He shrugged, finally breathing normally.

A skip in her heartbeat and a smile later, Eren looked forward, eyes shining because of the lights from the town.

"The stars and the lights were company."

A comfortable silence befell them and even though Noah wanted to ask "why's", he waited. Maybe Eren wanted time to balance out what she wanted to say. Everyone needed time.

"I didn't really mean to ask you to not like me." Eren started. Noah glanced her way and watched as her eyes wavered in the distance, away from where she wanted to focus. Her stance was small and guarded and Noah wanted nothing more than to provide her the warmth and comfort. But he was hesitant. Instead, he took off her jacket and placed it over her shoulder, surprising Eren, but she accepted his attempt.

With a soft thanks from Eren, both of them looked forward again, counting the times the soft cool breeze embraced them every once in a while.

"I think there are people who are scared. To be liked, to be loved." Eren smiled. "They want attention but when it's finally on them, I don't know, everything just seems overwhelmingly scary."

"What's so scary about receiving love?" Noah asked, hands inside his pockets.

He did understand what she was trying to tell. He understood better than anyone. But he also wanted to hear what made Eren feel like it was scary.

Eren seemed to be deep in thought. Finding the answer to that question was not really easy.

"When I think about someone liking me, there is this unknown fear inside me. What if that person just liked me for how I was around them? What if they liked me and knew it was pretend all along? What if they knew I hide things which I'm not proud about and decide it's too much of a hassle? The possibilities are endless and the future full of what ifs. That's what makes it all scary I guess."

"Why do you think of the future when you can just go along to where it would take you from the present? The future is uncertain. Those what ifs only add to what you want to believe."

Eren smiled. "I used to live in the present. Not caring at all about the future. But maybe that's why everything was taken away from me in an instant. I fear the future. That's why I can't help but keep thinking about what could possibly happen and keep on adding on what ifs."

"Want to hear a secret?"

"Mhmm."

"When you called me for the first time that night, I was on top of the Henson's bridge."

Eren whipped her head towards Noah, eyes never leaving his face.

"I thought I didn't have a future. I didn't see anything that could have happened when I thought deep and hard about what my future could be. I was just lost. But then you called, right when I made up my decision, and told me to look at the stars. They were beautiful that night. Just like it is tonight. Until that night, I didn't really think about the present or the future."

Noah took a deep breath before looking at Eren who was close to tears. He sadly smiled.

"But it gave me you."

"I don't know about the future now. The present, me being with you right now, being able to see you, is enough. The future is surely uncertain but it need not be filled with what ifs. It could be harsh, but something good could also happen. What if they want to fight your demons with you? What if they still wanted to wait and learn about your soul because you were not ready first? These kind of possibilities are also endless so who are you to decide what could happen? Hmm?"

The way Noah spoke, hit straight in Eren's heart. Maybe it was the truth behind his words, or maybe it was just him. He was true that the future was uncertain. But it was just the way life had treated her that she couldn't help but let her thoughts drift away to the negative possibilities.

"Will change be scary?" Eren asked next, still staring at Noah.

Noah smiled. "Change is always scary. But the results depending on why and  how hard you try can be worth it. Like I said, the future is uncertain but the present will slowly take you to where you want to go."

It was like a weight was lifted off of her chest but Eren felt light and relieved after so many years of her mind and heart being in conflict. It was comforting and peaceful yet overwhelming.

"Can you kiss me?"

Noah was surprised at what she asked of him. But she looked so beautiful, glowing under the stars and eyes sparkling with unshed tears of epiphany and euphoria mixed together. Beautiful.

Noah gently cupped her face and leaned forward, their noses softly brushing against each other, breaths mingled on each other's lips.

"Are you sure?" He whispered, just to make sure again. Eren nodded, making Noah's heart beat faster. He caressed her cheeks before dipping in carefully pressing his lips against her, waiting to process just how soft it was. It made his heart tingly.

Eren leaned forward again, pressing their lips deeper, the graze of their lips not really enough for her. Mouth's slowly moved together, finding that perfect fit, warmth and feelings overflowing in their bodies.

It was a chilly night and the moon and the stars provided warmth and witnessed two souls, just learning to love.

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