Laughter [Tobuscus/Toby Turner]

Chapter Fifteen

**NSFW; may be triggers**

Maybe I'm in shock. Maybe I don't know what to do. But suddenly, I feel nervous around Toby. It's unexplainable, but I do. Maybe I'm afraid of hurting him further. I don't know. I feel so bad but I just don't know.

He shuffles into the kitchen one morning, glasses perched on his nose. It's quiet. He clears his throat, heading to the Keurig and pulling a mig out of the cabinet. He turns and smiles at me. "Morning," he says calmly, and I stare at the floor. He continues with his coffee. "God, I'm starving. What's for-"

"Can you stop?!" I ask suddenly, the outburst ringing in the air like a toxin. He sets his cup down and turns to stare at me.

"What?"

"Stop this!" I wave my hands frantically, gesturing to everything. "Stop acting like everything's okay because everything is not okay, Toby." I'm angry when I find tears welling up in my eyes. He should be the one crying, not me. I turn to open the towel drawer to wipe up a nonexistent spot, hoping to divert my attention to anything else. But as I turn, I cut my hand on a stray kitchen knife, and a small bit of blood drips out of it.

"Shit," I whisper, "It's okay, it's okay, I got it, I got it..." Without meaning to, I let a tear fall. I don't realize Toby is behind me until his arms are wrapped around me, and he takes a towel and dabs my hand.

"Cassie, look at me."

I don't.

"Cassie."

I want to. I want to look at him.

"Cassie, look at me."

I look at him.

There are tears on his face, his hands grabbing my shoulders. "It's not your fault."

"But maybe if I had known, maybe if I had just figured it out..."

"You couldn't have. It's not your fault, Cas." He pulls me in for a hug, brushing my hair with his fingers as I cry into his chest.

- - -

Three days later, the love of my life tries to kill himself.

I find him in the bed, asleep, and I go over to kiss his forehead when I see the empty pill bottle on the nightstand. My stomach drops. I shake his shoulders.

"Toby," I shout, "Toby, honey, get up, okay? You have to wake up Toby, please, please!"

I call 911 and don't even process what I'm telling them, but I must be saying the right things because a few minutes later there's an ambulance out front.

"God, Toby, please don't be dead. Please don't leave me." I whisper as he's lifted onto a stretcher, not bothering to wipe the tears away. The paramedics let me ride in the back with him. Thank God.

When we get to the emergency room, I run alongside the doctors as they wheel him in. Suddenly, two doctors hold me back, but I strain against their grasps.

"Let me through, let me through! That's the love of my life, they have him, they're taking him away, please let me stay with him!" I sink to my knees. "Please," I whisper, "I didn't get to say goodbye."

- - -

IF YOU HAD A PROBLEM WITH THIS CHAPTER I AM SO SORRY I REALLY AM I'M CRYING RIGHT ALONG WITH YOU