Laughter [Tobuscus/Toby Turner]

Chapter Sixteen

Pace, sit, pray, stand, pace, sit, pray, stand, pace. That's my life right now.

Suicide. My boyfriend committed suicide. He wanted to die. All this time, he's wanted to die...

I found the suicide note crumbled in his pocket, like he'd changed his mind and wanted to leave without a word. Nevertheless, he'd found a way. He knew I'd look him over, he knew it.

I pull the paper ball out of my back pocket and stare at it, unopened, my breath hollow in my chest. With shaky fingers, I touch the edge, then slowly unfurl it, his messy handwriting jumping out instantly against the creases.

I love you.

That's all it says. "I love you." He knew I'd be the one to find him, and he wrote it to me. And that was all it said.

I love you.

I love you, too, Toby. I love you, I love you, damn, I love you.

Pace, sit, pray, stand, repeat.

- - -

I have a nightmare when I fall asleep in the chair.

Toby is on the other side of the room, staring at me, a warm smile on his lips. I see him standing, and he waves, and he's so perfect and I just want to go over and hold him but there are doctors holding me back again, and I look around, confused, and then suddenly something invisible slashes his stomach, and there's blood, and his skin starts to flake away, and he keeps smiling, and I start screaming, straining against the doctors, and Toby keeps getting cuts all over and he's bleeding but not dying, and he keeps smiling, he just keeps smiling, and I'm screaming to be released, and Toby falls to his knees, and then he opens his mouth, and coughs up blood, and whispers, "It's okay, I love you." and I just scream until he's fallen down and he's lying on his stomach, glassy eyes staring into nothing, bleeding dry, and then I wake up.

A nurse is grabbing my shoulders, shaking them, and I can hear a scream and realize it's mine. "Miss," she whispers, and I blink. "Your boyfriend is stable now. You can come see him." I almost knock her over by standing up so fast, and she directs me to the room. I burst through the door.

Wait. This isn't Toby. Toby has rich, peach skin, not pale skin. This man wears a hospital gown, but Toby wears his Tobuscus tee and those God forsaken brown pants. Where is the damn Toby tee, he needs his Tobuscus shirt.

This is not the man I'm in love with. This, this has to be the wrong guy.

His breathing is shallow, like a newborn's, and his eyelids are shut lightly. I would kiss him if i could, but unfortunately that terrible oxygen mask is over his lips.

That stupid oxygen mask.

- - -

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