Suicidal Love(Jacob Whitesides)

Chapter 32

"Thanks for staying here while I was gone." I hugged both Jacks at once.

"No offense Rebecca but your a mess. We will stay here for a while longer and you need to go take a nice long shower and relax." JJ said. I rolled my eyes and smiled at him. Aaron was sleeping right now. It was about 7 o'clock at night. He is scheduled to go into surgery tomorrow morning.

"Okay well I will be quick." I back up and walked over to my duffle bag. I grabbed my pajamas which were on top and grabbede some underwear and a sports bra. Aaron's room had a nice little bathroom in it that I hoped was cleaned recently.

I hate hospital showers. I haven't been in one since the week I have met him.

Get him out of thoughts Rebecca. I turned on the shower and got in dressed. Once the water was warm enough I stepped in and closed the curtain. As I was washing my hair there was a little pink speck on the ceiling. It was a sticker. A very familiar sticker.

Flashback.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I looked down at my slashed wrists and laughed. A fake one of course. I stood up from the hospital bed and went over to my bag. It had all my stuff in it. I dumped it all out and I came across a thing of stickers. Circles that were different colors. I laughed another fake laugh and took some off the paper.

"If I'm gonna remember this hospital room, there going to remember me." I talked to myself. I placed the colored stickers all around the room.

Then I fake laughed once more.

*End of flashback*

I scoffed to myself as I looked at the sticker. I finished up in the shower and got dressed. Once I was finished I walked back into the room and Aaron was awake. He was watching some tv while Jack and Jack played a game of Go Fish.

Help these children.

"You guys are free to go home and rest. Thanks for staying with him." I walked over to them. They smiled and stood up. As Johnson put the cards away into the box, Gilinsky threw there stuff into a bag.

"I will see you guys in a few days." I hugged them both. They made there way out of the room and I sighed. I turned to my bag and grabbed my phone.

"So pretty."

I turned around and looked at Aaron. He weakly smiled at me and I smiled back.

"Don't speak to much. I don't need you to get hurt." I walked over to him.

"I just w-wanted to tell you th-that your so pretty." He barley got out. I smiled at him and grabbed his hand.

"I'm so sorry this has happened to you." I apologized. He weakly smiled and then his stomach growled.

"Hungry?" I chuckled.

"A little." He joked.

"Okay I'm gonna go down to the cafeteria and get us some good food. Well the best I can get here." I smiled and stood up from the bed. Despite all the shit that is going on in my life I'm happy I'm here with Aaron. He is a good friend and it's a perfect get away from him.

-

"You know I was once in this room." I whispered. Aaron and I were in a really deep conversation about our lives right now and I feel like he would be a good listener.

"What do you mean?" his raspy voice asked.

"I used to be extremely suicidal. And I ended up in this exact room." I laughed. He reached for my arm and I gave it to him. He ran his pale looking fingers over my wrists and he gasped lightly as he felt the bumps of the scars.

"You wanna know how I remember this room?" I tried lightening the mood. He nodded, still running his fingers over my wrist.

"Well I put stickers all around this room when I was here. There is a pink one on the bathroom ceiling. There is one behind that chair over there that is yellow." I pointed to the chair.

"Why did you put them there." He asked.

"Not really sure what I was thinking at the time. It's getting late. You have surgery in the morning. We should get to bed." I sighed and stood up.

"You can sleep next to me. Of course as friends. I don't want you sitting in a chair and falling asleep." He offered. I know it was wrong. I needed the warmth though. The feeling of love. The feeling of safety that I have longed for.

" I'm just gonna brush my teeth. Be back in a minute." I sighed. I grabbed the duffle bag and headed back to the bathroom. I turned the light on and set my bag on the toilet seat. I decided to take everything out and fold it neatly. I got to the bottom of the bag and a black sweatshirt appeared.

I didn't pack a sweatshirt.

I took it out of the bag and a piece of paper fell out of it. It was Jacobs old sweatshirt that I slept in once. I picked up the piece of frail paper and opened it. It was a letter.

My dearest Rebecca,

Your mad at me right now. You have been mad for what seems like forever but in real time it's been 3 days. I haven't eaten or slept much since that night. When you told me what Aaron said, something inside me had snapped once again. I always snap. That's a huge problem. I'm not gonna ever be good enough for you Rebecca and you know that.

I just wish it wasn't true.

Aaron is better than me. And I know he wants to be with you. So I snapped because I don't want you to be with him. I want you to be with me. I am one who comes off as a sweet person and that's what everyone had me believe I was. Until that night. You were so so angry and hurt and you started yelling at me. You called me a monster. And then it hit me. I'm a monster. I hurt people when I don't mean to. Physically and mentally. I'm such a fuck up. Now your gone. You have been gone and I long to see you. To feel you. To love you. I love you and I always will love you. Your probably never going to come back and I want you to be happy. You are my happiness and if your happy I'm happy. I love you. I really do.

Jacob

Tears welled up in my eyes. He actually wrote me a letter. I stuffed it back in the pocket of his sweatshirt and I wiped my eyes.

He has brought me so much pain and so much happiness. I love him but I can't be with him. I need time to be free. He needs time to relax. I didn't bother with my teeth. I just packed everything up and walked out of the bathroom.

"Scoot over." I lazily smiled at the boy.

"We have to share a pillow. My arm needs the other one." He said shyly. I just smiled and rested my head on his chest. He tensed up a bit but then relaxed. I reached over to turn the lamp off.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day. Aaron is going to be fine. Everyone is going to be here. Were all going to be happy.

_______________

TRIPLE UPDATE BAMMMMM OMG IM SO PROUD. GOD BLESS EVERYONE. I TEARED UP WRITING THE LETTER. GOODBYE.