I Am Black

Chapter 28 : The Promise

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CHAPTER 28:

Thump Thump Thump

The only thing I could hear was my heart beat and my breathing. Everything tuned out. I had been facing so much troubles lately and the Unknown number wasn't helping.

"Hannah" I looked up to see Alexis waving both hands in front of my face. "(Fuck, what's wrong with you?)"

"She doesn't understand that!" Jordan groaned in frustration. He passed his hand through his brown hair.

"(Then what do you want me to do!?)"Shouted Alexis. Jordan looked at him puzzled. He didn't understand either.

"Hannah, say something" Jordan said, calling out to me. I was in shock. I had no way out of this mess.

"Oh God... " I muttered. "Oh God, " The boys perked up, "oh God! " my hands went to my hair as I pulled in frustration. Both boys gave themselves a look of uncertainty.

"I'm dead!"

They blinked.

Alexis muttered under his breath, "not exactly what I thought she would say" he said to Jordan.

"At least she said something!"

"Hannah, Hannah look at me. Look at me. What happened?"

I couldn't tell them. My chest ached. I needed to tell someone. Anyone. I gave them a desperate look then I zoned out again, hearing voices ;

This is your fault!

You can't land a punch properly!

You have been weak from the start, no wonder this is happening to you!

Waste of space!

Next I heard Damilola's voice, the voice did not sound please, you're disappointing me! It said. I shook my head defiantly. You can't even stand up to that number! It seethed, you're weak!

I heard nothing but my heart beating in my ears, I couldn't focus. Hannah... Hannah.... Hannah! The voices sounded distant now. "What's wrong with her!?"

And all I saw was black.

****

"... I don't understand... "

            "She should be fine now... "

"What's happening to her...?"

             "... Will she be—" Jordan's voice was cut short when he saw me moving on the bed, "hey, hey, hey. How are you feeling?",He knelt down by my side and asked gently.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I'm sad. I'm worthless, I'm tired. I'm broken, I'm done, I'm a waste of space. I'm alone, I'm all alone and I can't say anything. I'm lost.

"I'm fine" I said.

He breathed, "oh, phew. You scared me back there "

"Hannah!" Alexis exclaimed, "never, ever, do that again! (Oh I'm so happy you're safe!)" he said quickly.

       I gave a weak smile. Maybe I would wake up and this would all just be a dream.

I didn't want to ask 'what happened' before they'd send the question back to me. But even without asking, Jordan still could not mind his business and leave me Alone. So much questions brought a ton of thoughts to my head, adding to the pressure and strong emotions that I was feeling. I was trying to block it out. To forget. I gripped the bed sheets and counted one to ten, trying as hard as I can not to say anything harsh to Jordan because the truth was, he was trying to help. He asked me what happened but I brushed it off and covered it with a bright smile that I never knew existed in me. Then I abruptly got up from the bed, wrong move, because my brain felt like it moved in my head and I landed on the ground. I winced.

Alexis helped me up with an uncertain smile. His looks clearly said ; what is going on in your big head?
In the end, they would wonder, but I'd never tell them. This secret would go with me to the grave. That was good right? I didn't have to depend on others. I could depend on myself and drown in my thoughts right? I could handle this alone right?

Right?

****

That night I made a promise to myself. I was done bringing people into my problems. How many times had anybody included me into their problems. I could count it with my fist. Zero! Zilch! None!

    Then why should I be a bother and disturb them? I could handle this. I had been handling it since I was 10. No difference now. I would keep very thing to myself and face my battle alone. I didn't need anybody's help.

I was under the covers of my room at home, thinking my way through the night. No body would know what was going on with me. And I'd keep it that way.

I just wished that bad luck would miss me for once.

****

Ahem, the words that are in brackets are Alexis swearing/talking in Spanish.

—Ronnie.