You thought you would never love again, but you did
You thought you'd never be happy, but you were
He loved you and you loved him so what happens next?
It has been a week since I found out about Jimin's death and I am not coping with it well, I have stopped going outside, I stopped going to those therapy classes because I had the love of my life with me by my side to help me through everything but he has left me all alone
It sounds selfish I know like "How can you say that, he is dead he can't help having cancer" but we both promised we weren't going to leave each other, me and his mother had spent some time together once I had found out just being there for each other but as soon as I left the Bakery I haven't left my apartment since.
Everything I do, see and have reminds me of Jimin and it hurts my heart so much, I need him but I can't have him he was the love of my life he was the reason I kept living he was the reason I came out of my dark place, he got me through my tough times and I got him through his but sadly I wasn't great enough to help him through his treatment.
Jimin always helped me, I am scared of what his last thoughts were did he know I love him? Did he know I missed him? Did he know I always wanted to see him? Did he know I always wanted to be with him? Did he know all these things or did he die thinking he wasn't good enough? Did he die thinking I didn't love him? Did he die happy? Or was he depressed?
All these questions were going through my mind and it wasn't helping with my Mental Health my mind was going crazy.
I haven't visited the hospital in a while and I had stopped talking to Ms Park, I was an empty shell everything just reminded me of Jimin, everything and anything equals to me seeing Jimin, my music reminds me of that concert, our last date, my couch reminds me of our first tickle fight, or cuddle fests, my front door reminds me of our first kiss, his mum reminds me of him, my bedroom reminds me of our sleepovers, his clothes heck even my clothes remind me of him and his scent everything was just destroying my soul.
As soon as I found out about his illness I guess my heart had just started to slowly die but then finding out he had fully passed away had just destroyed my soul, it went from slowly cracking my heart to fully crushing it into pieces, and I can't cope with it anymore.
It was the day of his funeral, it was the one time I would willingly leave my house and yet again it was for him, his mum was struggling but she has a lot of support from other people, other mums, Jimin's friends and their parents but me I only had myself and my thoughts, I had my memories and my photos but it wasn't good enough for me I wanted to feel his touch again I wanted to hear his silky smooth voice again I wanted to caress his smooth cheeks and kiss his plump lips and tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him but I couldn't and I would never be able to anymore.
I was wearing a nice free-flowing soft black and white dress because although I know it was a funeral I am not here to be depressed about his passing I am here to celebrate the life he lived, so today I wasn't going to turn up crying my eyes out and being the most depressed I ever could no today I was going to turn up and stand strong and proud of the boy I love even though he is no longer with me physically he will always be with me mentally, emotionally and spiritually and that is the only reason I am acting strong, I am strong for myself, Jimin and his mother that is why I save my tears for when I am alone so I can be strong for the people who need it.
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