Come Back To Me (Very slowly editing)

Chapter 13

Chapter 13

 

It didn't seem real. None of it seemed real. I still couldn't seem to process it. However, I knew it would all seem much more real when I returned home. I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't know how I could face Amy after what had happened. She would blame me. I should have been able to save him. I should have gotten him to a safer place. I should have stopped the bullet somehow. I would never forgive myself. I would always blame myself for his death. Nothing anyone could say or do would change that. It was all my fault.

That day would haunt me for the rest of my night. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Every second, every minute was engraved into the back of my mind. My dreams were cursed with flashbacks of that day. The mistakes I made would always be with me. I would forever be wondering if there was something I could have done that would have changed the course of events. Maybe, just maybe, I could have saved Jamie's life.

I trudged of off the plane everything hurting. My eyes burnt, my throat ached, every limb felt weak. I felt like I could sleep for days I was so tired. For months I had been looking forward to this day. I had been so excited to see Amy but I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even show up. Would she even remember? Her mind was probably plagued with thoughts of Jamie. I knew mine was. I wanted to remember the good times. I wanted to remember the experiences we shared but all I could think about was that one day. I spent hours at a time analysing my performance, trying to work out what I could have done differently. It was pointless, I knew that, but I couldn't seem to do anything else. Everytime I tried to think of something else my mind would flick straight back to him, not even thoughts of Amy could distract me.

I slung my duffel bag over my shoulder as I dragged myself through arrivals, swiping angrily at the unshed tears that rimmed my eyes. My chest tightened as I reached the door that led to where my parents were waiting for me. Every fibre of my being hoped Amy would be there. I needed her. I needed someone to tell me it wasn't my fault. I needed her to hold me and tell me everything would be okay.

However, I knew that wouldn't happen because it was my fault. She would never forgive me, let alone be there for me and I didn't blame her. If it wasn't for me her brother would still be alive. I should have done something. I should have listened to my gut and tried to call off the raid. However, in my heart, I knew that would have been no use. They would have found someone else to lead the team. The plan would have gone ahead and there would have been just as many casualties.

There was nothing I could have done.

 

I tried to believe what my mind was telling me, but somehow I couldn't. I would always blame myself for this.

My eyes scanned the packed waiting room. I was looking for Amy but I didn't admit that to myself. My eyes landed on my parents so I forced a weak smile onto my lips which I know that they would be able to see straight through.

"Jonah," my mum smiled but sympathy was plastered across her face. She didn't know what to say, neither would I in this situation. What could anyone say to me? Nothing would change how I felt about this. Despite this I wanted them to tell me it was going to be okay, that it wasn't my fault. It wouldn't mean as much as those words coming from Amy's mouth but it would mean something at least. I needed reassurance. I had never felt more vulnerable in my life. I just needed someone to lean on.

My body slumped into her embrace as I felt a new set of tears form in my eyes. I buried my face in her shoulder not wanting to show just how much this whole situation had affected me but I knew she could feel the slight shake of my body as quiet sobs racked my body.