Come Back To Me (Very slowly editing)

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Please read Authors Note at the end!!

She looked so small in comparison to the hospital bed. Her skin was as pale as the sheets she was lying on. Her hair splayed out behind her head and her eyes were dazed as she stared past me. She looked like she had aged ten years since I had said goodbye to her less than two days ago.

"Mum," I whispered but my voice still sounded loud against the silence of the room. My voice cracked as I spoke and I felt like I was about to break down any second but I willed myself not to. My mum needed me right now; I had to be strong for her. I couldn't let her down. Again.

When she didn't respond I walked further into the room until I was by the side of her bed. I took her hand in mine as I continued to speak, "You're going to be ok mum." I was trying to reassure her but I didn't know what to say. Maybe if I had spent more time with her over the past couple of weeks I would have known how she felt. Then, maybe, I would know what to say. I would know how to make her feel better.

"I am so sorry." She finally spoke and I felt my guilt increase tenfold. After everything she had been through she was the one apologising. She was the one trying to make me feel better. I couldn't hold back anymore, I let the tears flow freely down my cheeks.

"Don't apologise," I croaked wanting to say more but not being able to. I needed to tell her than none of this was her fault. If anyone was to blame it was me. I was the one who should have been there for her and helped her through this time. We were all going through the same pain so we should have shared the pain and made it easier for all of us to bear.

"This is not your fault. I promise I will be here for you the whole time while you get better. It's going to be ok mum," I continued when I finally found my voice. "Jamie wouldn't have wanted this," I added hoping I would be able to get through to her.

However, she didn't respond she continued staring out like I wasn't even in the room. It almost seemed like she couldn't hear me, like I was invisible to her. Did she blame me for this? Did she think I wasn't there for her enough? She would be right to do so but I never thought my own mother would blame me for her suicide attempt.

It was like everything was too much as that though came crashing down on me. My legs turned to jelly beneath me causing me to fall to the ground. My ribs collapsed into my lungs preventing me from breathing. My neck seemed to lose all muscle tone as my head dropped into my lap and my mouth became dry as sobs racked through my body. "I am so sorry. I am so so sorry," I muttered over and over again into my knees - which muffled my voice. "This is my entire fault," I continued barely audible through my thick sobs.

"Don't," I heard her whisper quietly through my whimpers. I thought I must have been imagining her voice so continued to cry into my legs. I was just hearing what I wanted to hear. I was just hearing what I hoped she would say because I didn't want her to blame me. I was being selfish again but I couldn't cope if she blamed me.

However, through my cried I heard it again, louder this time, "Don't." This time I knew I had heard right. So I turned my head so I could look up at my mum's bed. She had rolled over so she was facing me, tears pooled in her eyes as she watched my collapsed figure on the floor.

"Please don't blame me," I begged her. "I know I should have been there for you but I couldn't cope if you believed this was my fault," I whispered the end as my throat started to close up.

"I don't," she replied and I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. "I feel ashamed of what I did. I can't believe what I did," she explained and all that guilt that had just been lifted came tumbling back down on top of me.