Portal Oneshots

April Fools

It was the first of April and all through the cabin...

...actually, things seemed pretty calm for the moment.

Chell had just gotten back in from some errands, carrying two loudly-crinkling plastic bags full of groceries in each hand, but they weren't quite loud enough to mask the snickering coming from somewhere down the hallway.

She closed her eyes and exhaled through her nose, allowing the bags to rest on the floor. They stopped crinkling in an instant, but the snickers went on a fraction of a second longer, followed by a sharp intake of breath.

"Wheatley?"

"Yes, love?"

Wheatley quickly shuffled out of his hiding spot and stood before Chell, wearing what was quite possibly the biggest, most shameless grin she'd ever seen; his left arm was tucked behind his back. It didn't take her long to guess his intentions.

"You seem in a good mood." Chell raised an eyebrow.

"I've got a surprise for you, love." He sang, as if he'd been waiting to do this all day—he probably had.

Chell sighed. "You brought me flowers?"

"No," He shook his head, still beaming, "but have another guess, go on!"

"You did all the dishes?" She teased, folding her arms.

"Aah..." Wheatley bit his lip and ran his free hand through his hair. He obviously hadn't anticipated her not playing along. "Chell, this is... Augh! This is probably the biggest surprise since that beautiful ring on your lovely finger, if I do say so myself..."

"How about," Chell suggested, pausing for a moment to make it seem like she was deep in thought, "we get these bags into the kitchen first?"

Now it was Wheatley's turn to sigh. He placed his hands on his hips, doing his best to play it cool. "Well, I suppose you would want to be sitting down for this. Kind of a 'big' announcement... Perhaps we could discuss it over a nice cup of tea?"

Chell picked up a couple of grocery bags and proceeded towards the kitchen, noting that Wheatley made a point to walk behind her so she couldn't see what he was holding. Once she neared the archway, she slowed her pace, causing him to almost bump into her.

"Love, please!" He laughed as Chell continued to make herself an obstacle, moving from side to side as he did to block his entry. "Let me through!"

This went on for several minutes, him trying to slip past and Chell planting herself in his path each time.

"Chell, please!" He finally complained. The tone of his voice told her that he was no longer amused. Chell seized the moment to place her bags on the floor and launch a tickle attack on his unguarded ribs.

"Chell NO—" Wheatley recoiled, bashing his head on the low kitchen archway. He laughed and squirmed in between 'ow's, begging Chell to have mercy. While he was distracted, she slipped behind him and grabbed the thing he'd been trying to hide. Wheatley's smile disappeared, replaced by an expression of horror. "No!"

"What is this?" Chell asked, scrutinizing the object. Wheatley had tried to trick her with things like hand buzzers before, but this—

"I'm PREGNANT!!" He suddenly cheered.

Chell's eyes widened. She glanced back and forth between Wheatley, who was watching expectantly (pun not intended), and the pregnancy test—where in the seven hells had Wheatley gotten a pregnancy test!?

Meanwhile, Wheatley's smile had returned in full force. "Had you going that time, didn't I?" He rocked on his heels. "I mean, it's pretty obvious that I'm not, you know, since that would be biologically impossible, I'm told, but I still had you going! Oh, you should've seen the look on your face! Absolutely gobsmacked!"

"Okay, " Chell finally admitted, still flustered, "that one was pretty good."

"It was, wasn't it?" Wheatley could barely contain his pride at having finally pulled one over on Chell. Chell—the woman, the legend! "Brilliant plan, masterfully executed... Almost... But I still got you! Once in a while I do have good ones! Ideas, I mean..."

"One question, where did you find a fake positive pregnancy test?"

"Um, actually, that's real." Wheatley explained. "Didn't think I'd pass it though, funny coincidence... Oh and, uh, you might want to wash your hands..."