SCP Foundation Oneshots

Gears has a dream and regrets sleeping

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Charles Gears, woke up in a fantastic pumpkin patch, how he did? He did not know. It was the fourth time it had happened, in that day. Feeling ridiculously concerned for his own mental wellbeing, Charles Gears punched a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not).

Unaware of the bleakness of existence that loomed over his shoulders like a blanket, he realized that his beloved clipboard was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Julian Iceberg... He was joking, he married that chilly ass. Charles Gears had known Julian Iceberg for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, jokingly... maybe... he fears that he might be immortal like his father, the majority of which were sassy ones of them just existing.

Julian Iceberg was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... pestering. Charles Gears called him anyway, for the situation was urgent, he needed his clipboard and dat ass.

Julian Iceberg picked up to a very unhappy Charles Gears. Julian Iceberg calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks sneeze before mating, yet albino cats usually sassily shudder *after* mating, he only just woke up and some crazy scientist from the French Branch called him and our before to talk about wolfs.

He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Charles Gears. Why was Julian Iceberg trying to distract Charles Gears? Because he had snuck out from Charles Gears with the clipboard only five days prior. It was a electric little clipboard... how could he resist, jk he accidently sent nudes to Gears work clipboard. How that works? Don't ask me.

It didn't take long before Charles Gears got back to the subject at hand: his clipboard. Julian Iceberg belched, he regretted letting Bright talk him into taking shots. Reluctantly, Julian Iceberg invited him over, assuring him they'd find the clipboard. Charles Gears grabbed his hippopotamus, not a real one, one Iceberg got him at their wedding, and disembarked immediately on foot.

After hanging up the phone, Julian Iceberg realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the clipboard and he had to do it skillfully.

He figured that if Charles Gears took the Jap Trap, he had take at least two minutes before Charles Gears would get there. But if he took the jeep? Then Julian Iceberg would be barely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Julian Iceberg was interrupted by a clueless Clef that were lured by his clipboard, or more or less the stickers on it. Julian Iceberg turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he deftly reached for his ripened avocado and deftly hit Clef in the fucking face. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged whatever the fuck Clef is began to scurry back toward the foundation. He exhaled with relief.

That's when he heard the jeep rolling up. It was Charles Gears.

'Ah fuck my poor ass"

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of pancakes because he was fucking hungry so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap of that of an old man which he still argues he isn't yet, Charles Gears was out of the jeep and went exotically jaunting toward Julian Iceberg's front door. Meanwhile inside, Julian Iceberg was panicking.

Not thinking, he tossed the clipboard into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Julian Iceberg was displeased but at least the clipboard was concealed and the nudes hidden. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Julian Iceberg surreptitiously purred. With a heroic push, Charles Gears opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying coke fiend in a 'modded' Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Julian Iceberg assured him. Charles Gears took a seat nearby where Julian Iceberg had hidden the clipboard. Julian Iceberg panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.

But Charles Gears was distracted. Absolutely thrilled, Julian Iceberg noticed a clueless look on Charles Gears's face. Charles Gears slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Julian Iceberg felt a stabbing pain in his love handle, because his dumb ass stabbed himself with a pen, when Charles Gears asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the clipboard right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oarfish look started to form on Charles Gears face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'.

Charles Gears nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Julian Iceberg could react, Charles Gears randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The clipboard was plainly in view.

Charles Gears stared at Julian Iceberg for what what must've been five minutes. As if it really mattered Julian Iceberg groped indiscriminately in Charles Gears's direction, clearly desperate. Charles Gears grabbed the clipboard and bolted for the door. It was locked. Julian Iceberg let out a striking chuckle.

'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Charles Gears,' he rebuked. Julian Iceberg always had been a little annoying, so Charles Gears knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Julian Iceberg did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something, which he wouldn't, his husband wasn't that dumb to burn their fucking house down. A few unfulfilled decades later, he gripped his clipboard tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Julian Iceberg looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Charles Gears. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Charles Gears.

'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Julian Iceberg walked over to the window and looked down. Charles Gears was gone.

'My ass is safe another day'

Just yonder, Charles Gears was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Julian Iceberg's place. Charles Gears had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Bright suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the clipboard from Clef. Bright was a dick and threw a rock.

Already weakened from his injury, Charles Gears yielded to the onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a Bright screaming at nudes.

But then 1 came down with his clever smile and restored Charles Gears's clipboard, because apparently he was a good dad, 3 did a number on him. Feeling displeased, 1 smote Bright for his injustice. Then He got in His 'modded' Civic and zipped away with the fortitude of 550,000 venomous koalas running from a teensy pack of long-haired sea monkeys, why that sentence exists? You will never know.

Charles Gears fell with joy when he saw this. His clipboard was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet ebola', he hates that one). Charles Gears was pleased, and went back home and got some cold ass.

And so, everyone except Bright and a few pipe bomb-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.

Gears sat up in his bed, staring forward at the wall as he patted beside him for the bright tuft of hair he knew as his husband.

"Julian?"

"Mh...? Yeah Charlie?"

"Don't send nudes to my clipboard."

"....What the fuck Charles."