I'm Sorry [A Zane~Chan/Zana fanfic]

Chapter 6

Warnings: Mentions of Self Harm, description of scars, mentions of suicide attempts

Notes: I'm super sorry this hasn't come out sooner. Being a Junior in high school is stressful. I'm doing my best to get this book back on the roll. I kinda forgot where I was taking this story, but I'll figure it out. I also wanted to say thanks to all of you for 1k reads. I can't believe a lot of people want to see Zane suffer so bad. Jkjk. I love you all <3

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I hesitantly unwrap one arm and reveal the scars on my arm. Mom takes my arm into her hands and she looks over them. She sighs and presses a kiss to my hand.

"My darling baby boy... I'm so sorry Zane..." I tense up and take her hand in my hands.

"It's not your fault Mom... Its no one's fault except my own. I... wasn't able to keep myself from-" Nana puts a hand on my shoulder and keeps me from rambling off.

"This happened in the heat of the moment. It was no one's fault, not even yours." Nana's voice calms me and I take a deep breath.

"I thought this was all over the last time it happened..." Mom's voice is quiet and I look off to the side.

"Last time?" I slump over and sigh.

"Last time I tried to kill myself. I had cut my vein and I tried to bleed out." I turn my arm up and show the thin scar over my wrist. "Vylad found me and called an ambulance." Nana slowly reaches out and when I don't flinch away, she traces over the scar gently.

"Are you going to go to your doctor?" Mom asks. I shake my head and sigh again.

"I'm going to Nana's family home to rest for a while. If we feel like things are getting worse, I'm going to the hospital."

"It should be mostly quiet there despite the heavy Mief'wa population. Its a good chance for Zane to take a mental health break," Nana explains. Mom nods slowly.

"Sounds like a good idea actually. How long will you two be staying there?"

"Really as long as it takes," I mutter.

"How far away is it?" Nana speaks up, holding my hand.

"My family lives in Xelas." Mom sucks in a breath.

"That's really far. Do you guys want to eat lunch before you leave? I can fix something up really quickly." Nana and I share a look and I shrug.

"That would be great. Thanks Mom." She smiles. "You don't have to thank me Zuzu. I'm your mother." She stands up and heads to the kitchen. I let out a deep breath and slump over. Nana gently squeezes my hand.

"Are you alright? Do you need to step outside?" The concern in her voice makes me feel a little happy. I shake my head and give a small grin.

"No, I'm fine. I feel pretty good right now actually. That went a lot better than I expected." Its probably because my dad isn't here. Nana uses her free hand to grab the bandages and I watch her roll them up. She lets go of my hand and is about to wrap them around my arms when I stop her.

"I... I wanna keep my arms uncovered. These scars are going to be with me for a while so I might as well learn to live with them." Nana smiles and nods, putting the bandages in her bag. I look at my arms and observe the scars. The older self-harm scars range in size but are mostly faded, leaving behind dark lines against the paleness of my skin. The new scars rest mostly on my forearms, thin lines all around. The occasional scar trails up to my upper arm before taking a sharp U-turn back down my forearm. Some are short and repetitive.

"Nana?"

"Yes Zane?"

"Don't romanticize the situation."

"What do you mean?" I lean back on the couch as I think about how to explain it.

"A lot of people... mostly young teens... they tend to romanticize mental disorders. Its like... They write edgy poetry of wanting someone to love their scars and love their multiple personalities or even going as far as to say they found love because of their disorder. That's romanticizing. I... I don't want you to love my scars or love me because of my disorders. Mental disorders are serious and shouldn't be romanticized. I-" She cuts me off with a kiss. When she pulls away, I've forgotten what I was going to say.

"Zane, I loved you before this happened. I kissed you in that Haunted House not because I wanted to be edgy and fell in love with your depression or whatever. I fell in love with you and your freckles and your caring personality. I fell in love with how happy you get when looking at cute things and how flustered you get when someone calls you out about it. I love how much you care about your family and how brave you are and how strong you are. You're patient and kind and understanding and that's just you. I didn't fall in love with your scars or your depression or your anxiety. I fell in love with you and those things just happen to be a part of you." I'm silent as she finishes speaking and I feel my face heat up.

"I-I.. uh... Um.." Nana giggles and I heat up more. I take her hands in mine and press a kiss to her knuckles. "I love you too." Nana keeps a grin on her face and we talk about simple things until Mom comes into the room with two plates. She hands us the plates then sits down across from us again. All three of us hold a normal conversation and some part of me is glad for the normalness of it all. I'm not sure how long the conversation lasts, but after what seems a while, Mom is taking our empty plates and Nana and I are standing up.

"Zane, please call me. I worry about you." I smile and give Mom a hug.

"I'll add your name to the list of people I have to call."

"Who's the first on that list?"

"Garroth."

"Put me next to him. Make.. a group chat or something." Nana muffles a giggle and I shake my head.

"There won't be a family group chat made anytime soon, but I swear I'll call you." Mom shrugs and smiles, kissing my cheek.

"It's a long way to Xelas. Make sure to stop at some point and rest up," she says. Nana smiles and nods.

"Don't worry Miss Ro'meave. I'll make sure that Zane stays safe."

"And I'll make sure Kawaii-chan stays safe," I quickly add. After a few more words, Nana and I are both getting into the car again and we pull out of the driveway just as I spot my father's car. Nana hesitates before driving off, sensing my discomfort.

"So..." Nana says after a while. "Xelas is about a day and a half away and it's already getting late. Should we drive for a bit then pull into a pitstop or..."

"What if we switch off? I'll sleep for now and when you get tired, just wake me up and we'll switch." Nana nods. "Sounds good." We're both silent and I spy Nana's hand on the gear shift. I take her hand into mine and I smile as I watch her bob her head to the music and silently swear at a driver cutting her off. For once... everything feels normal. Not normal... happy. I feel happy. I settle into the seat and shut my eyes.

"I love you Nana."

"I love you too Zane."