sing your song, Comagirl (finished)

Part 18

CC's POV

Cecilie fell asleep pretty quickly book still in her hand. I took the book from her and put it on the bedside table. I then decided to get up and fetched her journal from my drawer and took the necklace, which she had taken off and put on the dresser.

I flipped a couple of pages and page with a couple of blood stains appeared. The letters were squiggly and hard to make out, but i managed to get

" tour will be over tomorrow and I will have to go back to my own apartment. I have been a burden to these five people whom I adore so much, for the past couple of days and it pains me that they have to pretend to care, when really no one would care about someone like me.... "

I flipped a page

"I hurt myself again... they found out and Ashley freaked out. I was frozen in place and couldn't make myself say anything to him. It sent me into a full blown panic attack and i hurt myself again that same night."

I flipped a couple of pages.

"I hurt myself again. I had to. Ive been making a mess of bvb's life lately, and they have every reason to blame me." 

i felt the tears starting to press onto my eyes. I came across a poem.

"Im alive

But i feel dead
Im choking
On my own breath

Im myself
But still someone else
Deciding who to be
Is a living hell

All these things
All this stuff
It ruins me
It fills me up

Im burning down
Im tearing up
Just take it away
Please make it stop"

i felt like i had read enough, but still i couldn't stop. She was hurting so much more than I ever thought... and she was laying right there on my bed peacefully. it would just be a question of time before she overdid it and accidentally took her life... or even purposely... I couldn't bear the thought. I went to to put the journal back in my drawer but something small and shiny fell out "klink" it sounded as it bounced on the floor. I already knew what it was. I put it on the top of the dresser and planned to ask Cecilie to flush it with me tomorrow. 

I didn't get any sleep at all that night and fortunately Cecilie also woke up quite early. 
"Babe.. we need to talk" i said to her after she had been awake and cuddled up to me for a while.

She went ghostly white and i could hear her swallow.
"i know you're still hurting yourself...."

She shook her head no. 
"quit the act... I found your journal.. I'd much rather if you would just come to me whenever you feel a need to harm yourself..." 

She nodded "sorry CC, I just.... feel like a burden to you." She was silently crying. We were both sitting up know and I was caressing her thigh trying to calm her down. She nuzzled my chest and we sat like that for while before she got up. 

"We should get some breakfast" She said and bit her lip.
"I haven't done groceries yet, so have no food in the house.... we either have to go out and get breakfast or do groceries and then go home and make breakfast." I told her

"I'm pretty hungry... so could we go out for breakfast instead?" She looked at her feet still looking tiny in my shirt.

I then remembered "We also have to get you some new clothes in case your suitcase doesn't show up" She blushed.

"Maybe we should wait a couple of days... I don't have any money and it might show up..." She was fidgeting with the rim of the shirt she was wearing.
"oh don't think about the money... if it makes you feel better we'll only get a couple of sets and if your suitcase still doesn't arrive, we'll go out again." i stood up and put a hand under her chin, forcing her head up to look at me.