Daughter of a Whore [on hold]

Chapter Four

Chapter Four

“Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.” 

― Patti Callahan Henry, Between The Tides

On Thursday, Grandma tells me she has signed an appointment for a checkup for me. Hopping into her pickup she drives us to the hospital. I sit in the faded red chair waiting for the doctor to call me in. Did I ever mention I hate the smell of hospitals? Makes me want to hurl.

I can’t hold it anymore, and luckily I make it to the first stall in the bathroom. I rinse my mouth in the sink, and glare at my reflection in the mirror. My face looked a little tired. I whip a strand of hair from my face, and fish for my lip-gloss from my purse. I abruptly stop midway, and put it back. Who am I primping for? I’m pregnant; no guy is going to give a rip if I’m pretty or not. And ignore the fact that I’m getting fat.

 Returning, I find my grandma talking to someone who has invaded my seat. Their backs are to me. I take an empty seat and drop a gum into my mouth.

“Hey, Chase, this is my granddaughter, Delta,” Grandma turns to me, and I see who Chase is. I freeze. I remember that face, but I don't know from where exactly..

“Hey, Delta,” his smile is catchy, but I don’t smile back.

“Do I know you?” I ask still looking at him quizzically.

“Delta,” Grandma warned.

Still smiling, he says, “I guess we meet once. I remember hitting your car the other day, Miss,” then he chuckles.

Come on, Delta, say something smart.  “Oh.” I study him: dark hair, brown eyes, button-down shirt with sleeves folded along biceps, khaki shorts, sneakers, and definitely not my type. Not that I care about types and guys at this point. I look away. No, I was not staring at you.

“So, why are you here? Are you sick?”

I don’t answer. I don’t want to answer. Grandma clears her throat, “No, actually she’s because she's got—“

“Sick...ness,” I cut Grandma off. “Yes, I’m sick,” I nod, scrowling.

He looks between both of us and smiles politely, and then stands up. Oh looks, we scared him away. “Ok, I better get going.” Then he looks at me briefly. “Hope you get better soon. See you later.” 

 I watch him leave, and when I look back I find my grandma watching me.

**********

I sit on the bed in grandma’s guestroom, which is going to be now mine. We had to go shopping this afternoon for clothes to wear since I didn’t bring anything along with me. I sit in a chair and gaze aimlessly at the light blue walls, with my phone in hand. After debating my options, I finally decide to call Alex.

He picked up the phone after four rings. “Hey, Del.”

“Hey, thanks for calling me every day,” I wince at my own sarcasm.

“I’ve been busy,” he says defensively.

“Oh yeah? I’ve been busy too—“

“Oh my gosh, Alex!” I hear a girly squeak at the other end.

“Alex, who’s that?”

“Umm…Dagnabbit! It’s Kelly.”

“Kelly, Kelly Shortt.” It wasn't a question.

“Yeah, we’re just hanging out.”

“Are you in your room?” He doesn’t respond, so I am left to my own judgments. “Ok, cool, ‘cause I was going to tell you that me and you are over.”

“What’s it, baby?”

It, baby! Uh-huh, that’s what I’m talking about, I want to say, but I don’t. “I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re a jerk, and that I was stupid to go out with you in the first place. And even have sex with you!” I say the word with irritation. “I know you, Alex. You cheated on me once with Chelsea, and moron me let you get away with it. Now who knows, you were probably body slamming with Kelly, it took four rings to pick up the phone. Oops,” I say in pretense, “sorry for interrupting.”

“And so what if I was?” His voice is aggravated with tense anger.

“And so you’re such a manwhore.” And yet he’s the “father” of my baby.

He laughs indifferently. At me. “Look who’s saying that. Community slut.” And then he says, “Like mother like daughter.” I don’t know why, but this ticks me off. No matter how true that is, she’s family. It’s like I can talk about her, but he can’t.

“I am not like my mother!” and I hang up, sending the phone bouncing to the other end of the bed. Men, what was I thinking? Boys can be stupid. Don’t need them in my life, anymore.

“Who was that?” Grandma is standing at the door, a smell of mint coming from the teacup she’s holding. So different from the smell of cigarettes, which I don’t miss.

“Alex.”

“Oh boy. Honey, you should get some sleep.” She's already in a night dress, her small figure floating in it. She turns to leave, turning off the light once I settle in bed.

When I know she’s gone, I sit on the bed, and let the tears flow. I don’t know why I’m doing this. Keeping the baby, ruining my already ruined life, and adding more cracks to my already broken heart. It’s not too late for an abortion, is it?

I could go back to that center...

But no, I can’t let Mom win. I can’t do something that she would have done. That will only prove Alex’s comment right. His words replay in my head,  making my tears flow more.

When I have my baby, I’ll show him or her that I can be a real mom. Although the sound of that already stings my own ear.

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