Byakuya's diary: notes to Hisana

3. Pale moon and a bloodied sword...

Dearest Hisana,

I wish you were here. Not for me, my love, not this time, but for her. Rukia.

I feel at a loss, for the first time in this very long life of mine. For I do not know how to help her this time.

I understand that she is disturbed, to put it mildly. She allowed emotions to rule her mind. To concede to feelings is to concede victory to the heart over the mind, is it not. That is a fundamental rule every Shinigami must follow. I would reprimand her for it, yet I find that I cannot. I saw her eyes, Hisana. Those eyes that look like yours, devoid of any life as she apologized for being late. She said she was deeply sorry if she caused me concern or made me wait, as she found me in the garden instead of my being in my chambers at this time of the night. There was an incident at the 13th squad barracks and she had to take care of it.

Normally I am not privy to the happenings within another squad's barracks. Today, however, was unusual. I received the Onmitsukido's report to all captains: the attempted invasion by a strange Hollow, resulting in the death of 13th squad's lieutenant and their third seated officer as they engaged in battle with the creature. Furthermore, Rukia's captain sent word that she had gone to deliver Lieutenant Kaien Shiba's body to his kin. I only waited for Rukia's return because this was out of the norm. In all these years, nothing like this has occurred. And Ukitake would not inform me of Rukia's whereabouts unless he himself was concerned for her.

She did not look well when she returned, enough that my concern was warranted. She assured me she was not hurt, and apologized for the state of her attire, when I enquired of her wellbeing. She had blood on her robes. Doubtless she had engaged in battle along with the others. She had blood on her sword as well, that even the torrent of the evening rain had not washed away. She held it loosely by the hilt, unguarded. This was unlike her. Even though the Hollow was destroyed, Rukia looked as though she was thoroughly defeated.

Outwardly she appeared unharmed. But guilt and grief weighed over her as she stood there waiting for me to bid her leave. I know, because I have felt that weight upon myself once, when I lost you. I understand loss, the burden of it. But who was this man, that his death crushed Rukia's being so much? Did she care for him to that extent? I never knew him personally. I knew of him, that he was the current head of the Shiba clan and that he was Ukitake's trusted lieutenant. What was he for Rukia, I wonder. He was her superior. And so she held him in high regard, no doubt. But why would she feel so much guilt over the death of a fellow soldier, in a battle that was unavoidable, and is part of every Shinigami's duty? I do not understand this. Yet I feel I must offer her something, for she is distraught. Even when I believe she brought this upon herself by allowing herself to develop this level of attachment to any one person, particularly a fellow soldier. As her brother, I should guide her, help her out of this trench of emotions she finds herself in now. I just...I am not sure how.

I should not press upon the matter, as I understand it. My censure is perhaps the last thing she needs right now. I do not know how to deal with such things, and I must admit I feel out of depth. It is not something I cherish. I shall however, do my best, in the ways I do know.

I excused her from whatever duties she felt she had to fulfill at home tonight. Surely she would prefer solitude to my company. Am I too hard on her, Hisana. It is what is expected of me though, is it not. She is not a child, and I must not treat her as such.

I have seen to it that food be taken up to her quarters, that she is tended to, and would not be disturbed. She should be comfortable for the night.
I trust that she finds peace of mind under my roof. That I can give her.
And perhaps, if she wishes, I could listen.

I shall sit here a while longer, watch the koi that I tend in our pond. No, I am not waiting for any restless soul in my manor who perhaps is unable to sleep. There is a beautiful moon out tonight. The rain has washed the skies clear... I am here to watch the moon and the skies.

Byakuya.