Byakuya's diary: notes to Hisana

8. A hundred different tests for my soul.

I do not know what else I should understand from all this, Hisana. Except that I am being tested. As the head of Kuchiki clan, as a Shinigami, as a Gotei 13 Squad Captain, as a brother. Over, and over again.

My patience is being tested, too. Insubordination I can consider, but accepting defeat I cannot. I find I cannot depend on my Vice Captain anymore. That insolent fool. He knew better than to come back half dead.

Apologies, my love. I admit my fury has not subsided, and so neglected to mention what happened. Renji went to fight him, that boy. He is here. The one who took Rukia's powers, the one I left for dead in the mortal realm. Along with him, a posse of ryoka are running around the Seiretei wreaking havoc. Apparently they all are trying to halt the execution. Rukia's execution. 

I am sorry, my beloved. That I am now contemplating the death of that one person you asked me to protect. The only thing you asked of me, ever, I find I can no longer fulfil your wish. Rukia, for whom I willingly broke all the rules and customs once again. I am now fated to stand by and watch her die. What do I do... I swore to my parents that I would never again do so. The law is the law. If we do not set the example, who will... As head of the Kuchiki Clan, as a Squad Captain of Gotei 13, if I do not, who else will uphold the law? I am not allowed the luxury of foolish sentiments. And therefore it is my duty to carry out the sentence meted out by Central 46, to stop by any and all means necessary those that threaten to stand in the way of law, order and justice in the Soul Society. 

So I went to confront the intruders at the Shishinro. And here I was tested again. My resolve, by Rukia - a pale shadow of herself. And then a nameless, faceless officer of the fourth squad, a descendant of the Shiba clan - I do not know what his motives were, would he not be joyous that Rukia was sentenced to death? - who was saved by Ukitake, that irritating pest of a boy Kurosaki Ichigo who refuses to die, and of all people, Yoruichi. They all wish to save her. Surely this is a mockery of my self. 

Honor, valor, patience. Law, order, justice. Integrity, loyalty. What all do they want to mock? I dealt with each test the best I could, in accordance with all of the principles that have been imparted to me by my forefathers, in accordance with my faith in the system and my loyalty to Gotei 13. But I failed in one. How can I help her... What do I do...? Hisana, what do I do...