The Unbreakable Code (a YJ fanfic)

Chapter Thirteen: Broken

"After the flood all the colors came out."
U2, Beautiful Day

I STOOD AT THE FOOT OF Dad's grave. I had been distant lately, more than usual. First, the incident with Dick, and now Dad dead. Things were going down… And down… And down. I didn't know how much longer I was going to put up with this. My eyes quickly scanned the headstone, reading the message on it.

Dmitri Ivanov Brookston

A brave man

A proud father

Heck yeah, Dad was brave to risk his life everyday.

I almost laughed, but I couldn't. I hadn't cracked a smile for days now, I hadn't even bothered to go back to the hideout.  Instead, I'd told Natasha to tell them what had happened. I couldn't face them right now, not while I was in mourning.

As I stood there, I started to contemplate why I was still here. Why was I was still living my worthless life, if it was to be filled with heartbreak and loss? I didn't understand. Some people got it easy. I guess God pulled names out of a hat, to decide which one gets a peaceful existence, and which one ends up as a legendary screw up. Was I simply an unlucky one? Or was he making me suffer on purpose? Did he care?

Don't be stupid, Brookston. No one bloody well cares.

For once, I was beginning to listen to that faint, insecure voice in the back of my head. If nobody cared, though, what was the point?

"Em!" I turned around, to see Artemis. She was running quite fast, with snow spraying out around her. Wait. Wasn't she still supposed to be Tigress? What had happened while I was gone, saving my father? Whoops. I mean, tried to save my father.

She ran up to me, and immediately threw her arms around me. "My God, Em, I'm so sorry. Nat told me what happened."

"It's fine," I said, my voice a complete devoid of emotion.

"There wasn't anything you could have done," came a new voice, a softer one. I looked over Arty’s shoulder, to see the one person I didn't want to see. Dick. He was, surprisingly, in civilian attire, with sunglasses.

Why is he here?

"Well, that's a blatant lie," I mumbled, pulling away from my best friend, with intended coldness.

"Em-" she tried to say.

"I let him die. We all know that I could have saved him."

"Em, for God's sake, just give yourself a break!" Dick burst out.

"No!" I yelled, turning around, my eyes glazing over. "I've had it, with people telling me it's not my fault when it is! When people tell me, it's ok, when it isn't! It's so easy for you to say!"

The two of them looked at me shocked. When I had a rage, everyone knew it was turn for the worst. I looked away, whilst also beginning to back away.

"You don't know me." I said quietly, trying to put some distance between me and the two people I trusted most in my life.

Why am I doing this?

"Em, everyone makes mistakes."

"Usually not ones that cost you your dad's life," I muttered. "You know what the worst part is?" I glance at the grave. "After all he did to me, after he made me into something that I wasn't… I still love him." Silence reigned for a bit. "I think it's best if you just kick me out of your lives," I whispered.

Arty's eyes widened. "No! I'm not doing that!"

"Don't you get it?" I said, once more adopting a monotone, "it's to protect you. I'm nothing but trouble, someone who you can't trust, and cannot trust anyone either. It's better that way, if you forget me."

"Stop!" Dick snapped, striding over to me. "You don't know what you're talking about. We are physically and emotionally unable to remove you from our minds, because you're a part of who we are Em. You are our family and I- we," he corrected himself. "Love you."

"Love is for children," I said, blindly echoing Natasha's words.

"You don't know that," Artemis reasoned. "Come home, Em!"

"I don't have a home," I mumbled, before starting to walk away.

"Emilia!" Dick yelled. "You can't walk away! We need you! God, I need you! I'll go crazy without you just being around!"

"Ah, Nightwing," I said, putting emphasis on the last word, whilst chuckling sarcastically. "You're already crazy. Then again," I said, suddenly not fully aware of what I was saying, "I guess that's why I love you."

Then I walked away again. Away from my friends. Away from Dad. Away from Richard Grayson, the man I loved.
All because, I claimed it was to protect them.

£

Three days later, I got a visit from Natasha. I was in one of her spare flats, barely eating, barely moving, barely living.

I called out, "Come in," when I heard the knock on the door. She came inside, and shook her head, when she saw the floor littered with cheap takeouts and half empty bowls of crisps.

"This is how you treat my apartment, Shades?" She asked, crossing her arms. From my position on the sofa, I shrugged. Natasha sighed, and evading the junk on the floor, came and sat next to me. "Em, you gotta get back up,"

"What's the bloody point?" I mumbled, playing with a chocolate wrapper.

"Em, Dick is a literal mess without you, and Artemis hasn't spoken for days. What did you tell them at the graveyard?"

"I protected them."

"By distancing yourself." She put a hand to her forehead and sighed. I didn't react. "Look Em, I once thought the same. I thought it was weak to let anyone into my life, and if I did, I thought it was dangerous for them. But those guys love you, Em, and as much as you hate to admit it, you know you love them too. So consider this carefully," she said. "What would your dad do?"

That made me stop and think. I stopped fiddling with the plastic in my hands, and blinked a couple of times.

What would Dad do? He made me promise to keep being a hero. Why aren't I doing that?

If I was trying to protect them, I wasn't doing a very good job. In fact, I was making them sadder. They couldn't just push me out of their life, and I couldn't either. They were the only family I had left, I couldn't leave them hanging. Artemis had been by my side every single day, not afraid to stand up for me, or agree with an unreasonable statement I made.

Dick had put up with all of my secrecy, from the first time I'd ever met him. He'd let me in, when I hadn't, and still he had been patient with me, not hesitating to tell me anything. For God's sake, I loved the man. Why wasn't I telling him? Why wasn't I letting him in?
Because I was scared. I was scared of how he made me feel, that he made me feel love, something I'd always perceived as weak. However, I shouldn't be running from it, I should embrace it. I should embrace him.

I stood up, abruptly. "Let's go. I need to apologise to some people."

Natasha grinned. "I knew you'd come around."