In The Eye of the Beholder | Jonathan Crane

October 2004

The pull on my flesh is just too strong

It stifles the choice and the air in my lungs

Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie

When I open my body and breathe alive

-Broken Crown (Mumford and Sons)

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"So, I have to go to a Halloween party for work in a couple of days. I don't really wanna go, but I heard some guy say that I'm a boring recluse. Now I've gotta go to prove to him that I'm not," I said over the phone to Jonathan. It was late. We always talked at night, for almost two months.

It was nice.

"Good luck," he said.

"You should come with me. I don't want to go by myself," I added. "But it might still feel like I'm alone. You're boring, not me."

"And as a boring person, I'm afraid I have to decline."

"Come on, Jonathan. There's gonna be free alcohol," I tried to coax him with that.

"I don't drink."

"So you can be my designated driver. Please! You don't want me out on the streets, alone and drunk, right?"

I heard him sigh over the phone. I could picture him pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. I could also picture him pinching his nose. This was a telltale sign he was going to give in to me.

"Fine. Only to keep you from killing yourself or getting yourself killed. What time do you want me to pick you up?"

"Six would be fine. It officially starts at six-thirty," I said. "Thanks, Jonathan."

"Be ready or I'm not taking you."

He hung up without a proper goodbye. Rude, but normal.

I put the phone down and smiled. I hoped Jonathan would have at least a little fun.

____________________________________________________________

So Halloween colors are generally orange and black, right? I couldn't wear orange. Redheads should avoid orange at all costs. At least, in my experience, they should.

I knew I looked terrible in orange.

So I went to the next popular Halloween color for my dress. Purple.

I looked good in purple.

I think.

I waited outside my apartment building for Jonathan. I knew he'd be here at six on the dot. That was how he was. Always on time, never late. I knew if I wasn't waiting here he'd stay true to his promise to leave.

He was probably hoping I wouldn't be waiting out here.

I watched him slowly pull up next to the curb. I climbed into the passenger seat and we left. It was quiet when he started driving.

"You look nice," he said after a few minutes.

"Thanks. You look good too," I paused. "We don't have to stay long."

"We can stay as long as you want to."

"You sure?" I asked. I knew he didn't like events like this.

"I'll be fine."

When we got to the party, Jonathan stayed behind me. It almost felt like I was protecting him. It was a weird feeling considering he towered over me.

I quickly said hello to Paul and introduced him to Jonathan. Then I pulled Jonathan away from him. I knew Jonathan would find Paul to be too... happy I guess. I hoped Vicki wasn't here. Jonathan had told me he knew Vicki. He didn't like her. He told me as much. He found her annoying and intrusive.

"Is Ms. Vale here?" Jonathan asked. He knew exactly what I had been thinking.

"Somewhere probably. I'll try to keep you away from her," I said before walking away from him. He caught up and walked next to me.

"Where are you going?"

"You drove me here, you're driving me home. I wanna drink."

I'd barely finished a glass of wine I saw Vicki. I tugged on Jonathan's hand.

"She's over there. Let's move," I said. I'd started pulling him away too late.

"Amber! You came! I told Martin you'd be here. He owes me fifteen dollars now," Vicki called. She already seemed a bit tipsy.

"You bet on me coming?"

"Yep. And I won. You brought someone too! I should've added more to our bet." Vicki turned to look at Jonathan. "Dr. Crane, how are you?"

"Fine," he said curtly.

I was amazed he hadn't been sarcastic or rude. Granted, he didn't sound friendly, but it was better than sounding unapproachable.

"That's great. Can I borrow Amber for a second?" She didn't wait for him to say yes or no. She pulled me off to the side.

"I can't believe you convinced Dr. Crane to come! How did you do it?" She gasped. "Are you two dating?"

"No, we're not. He's here to drive me home."

"Sure," she drawled. She winked and left. I stared at her as she left.

I needed more wine.

____________________________________________________________

We stayed longer than I intended to. When I was finally ready to leave, I wasn't exactly drunk, but I wasn't sober either. Jonathan walked me to my apartment and almost left. I grabbed onto his arm to keep him from leaving.

"Thank you for going with me. I'm sorry we stayed longer than what you probably wanted," I apologized.

"It's fine. You need sleep, though. Go on," he said, trying to push me away.

"Wait."

I did the boldest thing I had ever done in my life.

I kissed him.