In The Eye of the Beholder | Jonathan Crane

April 2007

Sometimes before it gets better

The darkness gets bigger

The person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger

-Miss Missing You (Fall Out Boy)

____________________________________________________________

I hated hospitals with a passion. I hated being in them, being near them. I hated everything about them. Yet here I was, stuck in a small room with disgustingly white walls. It was about a day after I had inhaled a toxin that had made me so afraid. The doctors had been able to clear it from my system. That was what the mist had been. It had been a toxin created to make someone see, or in my case hear their worst fears. Who had been able to create something as terrifying and as dangerous as that? Who was twisted enough to create something like that?

The nurse who'd been assigned to me walked in with a smile on her face. In her hands she held clothes.

"The doctor cleared you. You're free to go," she said. She handed me the contents in her hands. They were the clothes I'd worn during the attack. I would need a shower when I got home. Preferably until I felt like I wasn't in my own skin anymore.

"Oh, and Ms. Connery? Captain Gordon is waiting for you in the lobby. He says he has a few questions for you."

"Alright. Can you tell him I'll be down in a few minutes?"

"Of course."

"Thank you."

The nurse left me to change. It didn't take long, even with the slight sting of pain in my arm from where the man had torn the flesh away. I just wanted to leave.

As promised, when I reached the lobby, Captain Gordon was waiting for me.

"Ms. Connery, feeling better I hope?" he said.

"A bit. And you can call me Amber. I'm not a huge fan of the Ms. Connery thing," I said.

"Alright, Amber. Would you be willing to come to the precinct with me to answer a few questions?"

"I can. I assume you mean now?"

"If you're not busy, now would be preferable."

"Now's fine."

"Great. I can give you a lift if you need one," he offered.

"I'd appreciate it. My car is still in the asylum's parking lot," I said.

"If you'll follow me then," he said. I followed him to his car and climbed into the passenger side. The ride was silent. I preferred that to noise.

____________________________________________________________

"So your full name is Amber Rose Connery, correct?" Commissioner Gordon asked. We were in his office. He'd said since this wasn't an official interrogation, there would be no need to use the other rooms.

"Yes sir," I confirmed.

"You can call me Jim. Before we start officially, do you have any questions for me?"

"Are you talking to everyone who witnessed the attack?"

"No. Some were killed. Others are still stuck in their nightmares," he said. The image of the child on the ground flashed in my mind. "And I fear this may be a personal matter for you."

"Personal? What do you mean?" I asked. There was no way the attack was personal to me. That was impossible.

"Why were you at the asylum yesterday?" Jim asked.

"I went to see my boyfriend. I was worried about him. He promised to call at noon. He didn't call at all yesterday and never answered when I called. I went to check on him."

"What was his name?" he asked. Somehow I got the feeling he already knew who it was.

"Dr. Jonathan Crane. I'm sorry, but why does this matter?"

"Before I continue, I need you to know that I hold you responsible for nothing."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Dr. Crane has been arrested."

"Please tell me you're lying," I finally whispered after what felt like an eternity of silence. I wanted him to be lying.

"I wish I could say I was. He was the one who initiated the attack. It was his toxin. We found his notes in his home office. Is there any reason you know of that would cause him to do this?"

"He-" I paused to take in a shaky breath. Then I let it out. But I couldn't stop my voice from shaking. "I don't know. I suppose he's always been interested in fear, I guess. I never gave any thought to it. I assumed he was simply passionate about it like any other person is with their work. I never really knew what he was working on in his office. He wouldn't tell me, and he wouldn't allow me to look."

My throat suddenly got dry. I felt myself start to cry. "I never thought he would ever do something like this."

"This is not your fault. I understand you're upset, but you can't blame yourself," Jim tried to reassure me.

"You know, now that I think about it, I think he's done something like this before," I said. I remembered the incident with Bo and Sherry.

"What do you mean?"

"Jonathan and I grew up together in the same Georgia town. Arlen. We became friends at fourteen years old. We were both bullied and abused. One of our bullies was Bo. He had a girlfriend named Sherry. Jonathan and I went to our senior prom together. He left for a bit, and while he was gone I talked to another boy, Evan. Suddenly, someone started screaming, and Evan and I followed the crowd outside." I took a deep breath. My throat was so dry.

"What happened then, Amber?" Jim asked.

"I saw a car that crashed into a tree. Bo and Sherry were in the car. Sherry was killed, and Bo was paralyzed. Jonathan didn't show up until after all of this happened," I finished.

"And you think Crane had something to do with it? Why didn't you say anything?"

"He was my best friend. He told me he didn't do anything, and I wanted to believe him. I thought I knew him better than anyone."

"But you've always thought he might've done it."

"And I've always had a little fear of him because of it. You think I'd know him so well after knowing him for so long."

Jim looked at me, a touch of sympathy in his eyes.

"You'd think so. But you never really know a person, do you?" Jim asked.

"No," I agreed quietly. "Apparently not."