Shots

Secrets

"So uh, have you talked to anyone?"

Evie looked up from the files spread and stacked around her on the floor, the pen in her hand tapping absently against a page. "Talked to anyone about what?" She gestured to the only vacant spot near her, but Adam shook his head, choosing instead to lean against the door of the small meeting room. "People have been dropping by to ask me how it's going, and I keep telling them it won't go any faster just because they keep asking."

Adam snorted, a sympathetic smile appearing and disappearing too quickly. "No, I mean, uh, about killing that guy today."

"Oh sure, I had to go through all the paperwork, same as anybody else."

Adam with his arms folded was about as intimidating as a teddy bear, but Evie chose not to mention it. "Come on, you know what I'm saying. I know you're not a cop, but, shouldn't you talk to someone? First time I ever shot someone everybody pestered me about seeing psych so much that I wanted to punch something. I know now that it's smart. You can't just say you're fine and have it magically be true."

Evie tilted her head to peer up at him sideways. "So are you asking me if I'm fine or offering to talk?"

"I'm asking if you talked to anyone, but clearly you haven't." Adam always lost patience with her faster than any of the others. She knew that keeping his temper would come with time and ignored his tone.

"Well, I'm fine, I don't need to talk and I really should get back to this."

"This wasn't your first time." Adam didn't say it like a question and Evie knew it wasn't one in disguise, either. He wasn't looking for confirmation. So what was he looking for?

"It wasn't," Evie acknowledged, waiting for him to get to the point.

Adam finally gave in and slid down to sit in the available floorspace near the door. "Still."

Evie went back to perusing the file in front of her, knowing that Adam's short attention span wouldn't let him stew for too long over the questions he wanted to ask. She wasn't going to prompt him. If he wanted to know something, he could formulate the question himself.

"You're acting like nothing happened."

"No, I'm acting like we're in the middle of a case and I've got a lot of files to get through."

"You shot someone and he died. That doesn't bother you at all?"

"I'm not gonna pull the "no-choice" card, because that's complete bull. But yeah, he was about to kill someone, so I made the choice to shoot him first. It was the right call." Evie looked up long enough to catch Adam in a hard gaze. "And just because it was the right call doesn't mean I was happy about it, but I stand by it." She rubbed at her face and closed the file in front of her, tossing it onto a stack before reaching for another. "So no, I'm not bothered because I believe in the choice I made."

"You know, if it were me, you'd be telling me to talk to someone."

"How many people have you killed, Adam?" Evie's tone was sharp. "You are still very new to this whole thing and you should be talking to someone when you make a kill. Because it doesn't actually happen that often. You'll shoot a lot of people but most of them won't die because of it. When it happens, it's important to process it in a healthy manner."

"Right, and that's what you're doing now, is it?"

"I have killed a lot of people. I know how to process it."

"How many?" Adam's eyes, usually soft, were piercing as he asked the question. "How many is a lot?"

Evie shook her head. "I am not going to continue this conversation, not now."

"Why not?"

"Because we're both getting angry, and when I tell people that I trust about my past, I don't do it in anger." Evie opened the new file and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. Adam was doing the same thing, she could hear it.

"You treat me like I'm some child who can't handle hard truths, but we do the same thing, Evie." Adam's voice was softer now, less insistent. "I'm not going to freak out because you tell me some horrible secret. Or any secret. Or anything."

Evie sighed again, suddenly so tired. "I know you're not. But, Adam," Evie looked up to see him avoiding her eyes, "most of my secrets are horrible. I'm not afraid to tell you, any of you. It's just that you don't need to know. My past is my own burden and I've gotten comfortable carrying it."

"You can share it if you need to, you know."

Evie half-smiled. "I know."

"But you won't," Adam said, finally looking back at her. "You don't believe you need to."

Evie didn't falter. "I don't," she agreed, her soft tone echoing his. "You have to accept that."

He half-smiled too. "I guess I do. But I'm not gonna stop worrying about you like I have been. It's what I do for the people I care about, okay?"

"Okay," she smiled, fully. "And I'm gonna keep complaining. Status quo, right?"

"Right." Adam knocked on the door a couple times and left.

Evie dropped her smile as soon as he was gone. It wasn't a lie; she didn't feel like she needed to share her burdens or her secrets if it wasn't going to help anyone. Helping herself didn't count. Unless lives were on the line, nobody benefited from knowing who she had been and what she had done.

It wasn't a lie. Most of her secrets were horrible.

—

Evie dropped the heavy stack of files into Chaucer's waiting hands with no small amount of satisfaction. "When are they going to invent technology to keep files in digital warehouses and use holograms to read them all?"

Chaucer frowned disapprovingly before moving into the vault. His voice echoed back to her from inside. "That probably already exists somewhere, but it's perfectly respectable to do it the old-fashioned way." His face popped back into view, one hand adjusting his spectacles as he peered at her owlishly. "You want to read your books as holograms, too?"

Shuddering, Evie folded her arms. "No way, that's just going too far. I love turning the pages."

With a nod of his head, Chaucer disappeared again. "I rest my case."

Evie smiled fondly to herself. Chaucer always got huffy when anybody mentioned digitizing over physical copies of information. She was half-tempted to mention that physical files could easily be lost, stolen or destroyed, but Chaucer wasn't above holding grudges and Evie didn't feel like being on his bad side. She held her tongue.

Chaucer reappeared finally with a single file in hand. "Here's the full list of drugs currently being regulated on the streets as well as all the bigger dealers and anybody else I thought was important to mention."

"Thanks. And you're right, real is better than hologram."

"Don't patronize me, eaglet. Get back to work." Chaucer's gruff tone was contradicted by the pat he left on her head. Evie bit back a grin and left.