~Monday~
Jimmy's POV
I got the whole crew in the car with me, driving around the D after work. They're all busy talkin' 'bout the same old shit, but my mind is elsewhere. In a warm bed with Tessa Mayer. I think my only regret from that night- besides not bringing a condom, though that turned out alright- is I didn't get her fully naked. Well that, and I didn't get her fuckin' number. I'll get it somehow though. It won't be a one time thing.
It's not the first time my thoughts have been consumed with her, I can't get her out of my head. It's only been a day and a half, but I miss her. I have to force myself not to drive by her place or 'run in' to her outside of the daycare she works at like a fuckin' stalker. When I rap to myself, it's her name that I use to rhyme to. I want to spend every moment I have with her.
The guys have been runnin' their mouths about what might have happened that night between her and I but besides giving them a few details, I keep quiet. I don't want to disrespect Tess and anyways, the only ones who have to know what happened between us in the bedroom is her and I.
But the more I think about Tessa, the more I think about how she could have any guy she wants...so what the fuck is she doin' with me? She has her own place, a good job, a stable life. She's so damn sexy. She doesn't seem fucked up or crazy. Nah, she's sweet and real and way too good for me.
And while she's living this perfect life, I left her place to drive my piece of shit car back to my Mom's trailer where I'm sleeping on a fuckin' couch. In thirty days, there won't even be a trailer to go back to 'cause my Mom can't pay her damn rent. Most of my clothes are from The Salvation Army and I had to clean my only other pair of shoes off in the kitchen sink from the fire that night. I work my ass off at a dead end job where my boss is just itchin' to fire me. And my psycho ex keeps popping back into my life to piss me off, actin' like we're still together or some shit.
I have no money, no life, no future. I am fucked up. And I probably am crazy too. We're two very different people. Once she finds out the truth, she'll never wanna see me again.
I won't be anything to Tessa unless I get my shit together. Right now I'm nothing.
I gotta make something of myself, before it's too late. Not just for her, but for myself. I mean, how the fuck am I still in the same position I was last month- last year? And every fuckin' year before that. I'm going backwards not forwards. I wanna be doing shit with my music. Getting noticed and respected as a rapper. Instead I'm getting booed off stage at The Shelter every Friday night.
And fuck what Future said. I'm not going back there. I'm especially not gonna do it if Tess is going. I don't need her seeing me making a fool of myself and thinking I'm a fuckin' loser like everybody else already does.
Sometimes I feel like quittin' the whole rap game. I got all this shit already to deal with, so why bother writing lyrics to demos I'll never make and signing up for battles I'll never win. I should be pursuing something actually reachable. But...rhyming is the only thing I've ever been good at. I know I'm dope and I know if I could show everyone my skill, they'd think so too. Right now all they see is a wanna-be white boy rapper. I'll have to work my ass off twice as much as everybody else and still I'll never get the props I feel I deserve.
The guys continue to argue over rappers as I drive by the liquor store, immediately spotting Wink, Papa Doc and the rest of Tha Free World crew out front.
With my anger boiling over, I quickly turn my wheel and make a u-turn back towards them. The guys are questioning me and calling my name, but I ignore them as I park and get out of the car with my eyes locked on Papa Doc.
