Tattoos (Lams coffee shop AU)

Goddamnit. (X)

Tw: Self harm, gay slur.

The next morning, John woke up with someone in his arms. That wasn't completely new, although he and Alexandra usually didn't cuddle after-

"Holy shit." John whispered to himself. This wasn't Alexandra, it was Alexander. As in, Alexander Hamilton. As in, the guy he worked at a coffee shop with. As in, a guy.

"What the- I'm not gay, I'm not gay, this was very gay, Jesus Christ I just slept with a man, but I'm not gay, but am I gay-? No! I'm not fucking gay.... Right? Fuck. Am I gay? I'm gay. No, I can't be gay. I'm not a fa-" John's frantic thoughts were interrupted by Alexander whimpering quietly. "Whimpering?"

"James.." Alex mumbled quietly, which caused John to be even more confused.

He shook Alex slightly. "Uh, 'Lex?"

Alexander awoke with a start. The first thing he noticed was that he was warmer than usual, but a good type of warm. A comforting type of warm. The warm of another person- another person? He rolled over and found himself face to face with none other than a shirtless John Laurens, who had multiple dark hickeys on his neck. 

They stared at each other for a moment, and the tension was palpable.

"John-" Alex began, but he was quickly cut off.

"You should go."

His hurt from John's words was evident on his face. "John, look I-"

"Seriously. This was a mistake." If John hadn't had years of acting skills from pretending he was okay, he probably would've broken down in that moment. But he was intent on being straight. 

Alexander rolled over and got up, realizing he wasn't clothed. He quickly grabbed his clothes and practically threw them on, not bothering to button up his shirt. "Fine. If that's what you want. If all of this was just a fucking mistake to you, then whatever. Who fucking cares, am I right? John Laurens, everybody, the straightest asshole around who accidentally fucked his coworker. But it was all a mistake." 

John sat up, the sheet falling off of his chiseled torso. "Alex, I-" He forced himself to roll his eyes, and used the exhaling trick that seemed to work for everybody. "Yeah, it was a mistake. So... fuck off." 

"Goddamnit, I'm an idiot." They both thought this at the same time, for different reasons.

"I can't believe you. I..." For once in his life, Alex Hamilton had no words. There weren't any words in the English language that could express how heartbroken and betrayed he felt in that moment. "See you around then, asshole." He stormed out of the room.

The moment John heard his front door close, he broke down into tears. They didn't last long, because he kept hearing his dad's voice repeating over and over in his head, "Men don't cry."

Instead, he got dressed, slunk off into his bathroom, found the blade he had tried to hide from himself. He had told himself he wouldn't do this again. It didn't matter. He began reopening the nearly healed cuts from a week before. From the last time he had messed up. 

"Useless. Waste of space. Fag." He muttered reasons for each cut as he made them.

---

Alexander stormed out of John' apartment building and decided he did not want to be alone in his depressing little apartment at the moment. He called Hercules, wiping away angry tears as he did so. 

The phone rang one, twice, three times before Herc answered.

"Hello?" His voice sounded groggy as if he had just woken up.