Through Thick and Thin

Stay With Me (Part 1)

Song by Sam Smith

Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand

But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man

These nights never seem to go to plan

I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?

The golden rays shined brightly through the blinds of his house. The song of the birds and the honking of the cars sounded through the concrete walls of his bedroom. Bottles of alcohol and clothes were strewn across the entire room, some were knocked down and spilling out the bittersweet liquid. The stench of the bottles wafted around the room. It could easily compete and conquer a pigstye.

Weary eyes blinked open from the distant sounds and the disgusting stench of alcohol. As he sat up, his blanket descended down his naked torso. He looked over at the body that was lying beside him and sighed deeply. Her hair framed her face and the peaceful look of her sleeping face tugged at his heartstrings.

But when he blinked, she was gone. Replaced with a naked woman with bruises marring her skin and her hair was tussled and messy. He couldn't even see her face because it was covers by her sex matted hair. She didn't smell of fresh flowers from his sadden garden that once glimmered with life. No, this stranger in his bed smelled like sweat and alcohol with just a hint of smoke.

He placed his elbows into his knees and his head into his clammy hands. He felt empty. Just as he has always felt for the past two and a half years. Nothing could sate his desire to be with his beloved, nothing could make him feel whole once more. Only she could and she left him and he was the one to blame. Him and him alone.

He got out of his bed and steadily made his way to the bathroom while maneuvering around the strew of discarded bottles and clothes. He would pick them up later. She always did like a clean house. Then again, she was always the better half of him. Clean, smart, careful, diligent, loving, caring.

The warm water pelted against his skin and the steam cleared the stress, darkness, and guilt that has been eating up in his chest for years. It wiped him clean of the sinful occurrences of the next before. However, just as fast as the relief came, it disappeared. It only would be for only a second that would he be able to escape the horrors that haunted his dreams.

He snapped out of his daydream when he heard the quiet yet distinct muffling of someone shuffling about his room. Another sigh left his lips. All he ever did now was empty sex, no love or passion. It was just another reason for him to release pent up stress and distraught. All his passion and love is preserved for one woman and he couldn't even see her without being eaten up inside with guilt.

The water felt cold to him now. He finished his shower and went into his closet. Clothed in a white button down and black slacks with leather shoes. He looked in the mirror to make sure that he looked presentable for her. One again, for another day out of the last two years and a half and more to come, he would go to her and seek forgiveness. But, like always, she would deny his request with pure silence. Why would she answer his plea? When they were in a relationship, he had a difficult time conveying his emotions. This pushed her away and in the end, their relationship failed. But, it didn't stop him from loving her.

Only for her would he look so presentable.

While he walked down the street, an elderly woman called his attention from the across the street. She gave him a toothy smile while she waved him over. Next to her was an old wooden cart. It was filled with freshly cut flowers of varied colors, it was her favorite flower cart. But, what stood out the most was the already made bouquet in the elderly woman's arms. Red and white roses wrapped with a shiny silver paper and tied with a golden bow.

" Good morning! I have your usual, dear ", she told him while holding out the bouquet to him.

There was no need for him to pay for it. He had already his dues a long time ago. The elderly woman handed him the bouquet with a comforting smile and a gentle hug before sending him off on his way.

His journey has always been a sad and lonely one, ever since she left him at least. All he has left of her are the memories which they had together. Walks on the street. Romantic dinner dates. Spending time together at the cafe and library. Car rides late at night. This town has memories of them that he treasures more than the world itself. Memories that he wants to relive with her and only her.

Why am I so emotional?

No, it's not a good look, gain some self-control

And deep down I know this never works

But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt

Deep breaths. Keep breathing. In just moments he would ask for her forgiveness again and pray that she would accept him this time. Standing before her with tears threatening to cascade down his cheeks. He tightened the grip he held on the bouquet. His words came out in nearly incoherent mumbles.

" I'm sorry. I'm sorry and that's all I can say because it's my fault. Had I been more caring, more helpful, more appreciative, you wouldn't have left me. Maybe if I attempted to show my feelings more then we would have been happy together ".

Silence.

" Do you remember that night when we separated? It was and still is the worst day of my life. To think that it started off as a regular night drive. We were going to drive up to the cliff and watch the stars. I remember what happened after that. Do you remember what happened? ".

Silence.

" Yeah. You talked about something that happened at school and me, being the jackass I am, only acted like I listened to you. I guess that annoyed you, but you didn't let it show. Then we ended up talking about our future. How we were going to move to a new house and start a family. I still have thoughts about that. Do you? ".

Silence.

" I... I didn't even... the car... it just.. it came out of no where a.... and I tried. I tried so hard.... so damn hard to pro... protect you. Y... Yet I... couldn't.... ".

Sobs racked his chest and sounded through his throat as he stared down at the tombstone in front of him. He knelt down in front of it, not caring that he dirtied his pants, and placed the bouquet in front of it.

That day. That damn fateful day. It should have been him who died, that had to go through the painful surgeries. Not her. Anyone but her. Because he wasn't paying attention, he ended up killing the only person who understood him better than his own family. They had so much in store for the future. A family. Their own home. A wedding. Everything. However, now it couldn't be all because of him.

" If I could go back in time and change everything. I would. I would have been more careful, I would have swerved the car so that I would have been hit instead of you. I would have done so many things different. I would have appreciated you more, show that I love you, show that I care for you. I would have done everything to make sure that you were happy. And I know I'm late. God, do I wish to kill myself every morning when I wake up and realize that you're not with me and that I sleep with all these other women because when I wake up in the morning, for just a split second, I see you sleeping beside me ".

Tears gushed out of him and stained his cheeks while his face blushed red from the sobs that echoed throughout the deserted cemetery.

He yearned to feel her arms around him. Yearned for her kisses. Yearned to hear her sweet laugh. Yearned to watched her read while she cuddled next to him. Yearned for her and for her only. But, he knows that it'll never happen. How can someone bring someone back up from the dead? How can he he hold her back in his arms when she couldn't even answer him ever again? How could be ask her to be with him, when she is happier elsewhere?

But darling, stay with me