Through Thick and Thin

Confessions of a Broken Heart (Part 1)

Song by Lindsay Lohan

I wait for the postman to bring me a letter

I wait for the good Lord to make me feel better

And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders

A family in crisis that only grows older

Why’d you have to go

Why’d you have to go

Why’d you have to go

It was another day that she waited patiently outside of the comfort of her home, where the air condition beckoned her. With the posture of a soldier, she stood beside the mailbox while the sun beat upon her shoulders. Beads of sweat rolled down the sides of her face and her throat cried out for water to sooth the dry desert of her mouth. Her eyes focused on the road, her anxiousness eating up her heart.

Today would be the day. Today. Not tomorrow, not the day after. Today. She would receive the letter from him. There would be a letter addressed to her from her father and when she received it. She would reply to him with a letter filled with anger and sadness, betrayal and pleas.

Her last memory of him was when she was four. A happy one. One where her mother wasn't bawling her eyes our and rubbing her face raw. One where her older brother wasn't scowling or isolating himself from the rest of the world. One where they were actually happily smiling.

The Lord was giving her patience. She has been consistently waiting for the mailman to come with a letter from the man she calls dad. However, she was scared that it would be just like every day. The mailman would come, give her a brief greeting and a sad smile, hand her the day's mail and drive off. She would get anxious and look for any letter from her dad, but there wouldn't be any.

And I wear all your old clothes, your polo sweater

I dream of another you

The one who would never (never)

Leave me alone to pick up the pieces

A daddy to hold me, that’s what I needed

So why’d you have to go

Why’d you have to go

Why’d you have to go!!

The clothes she worn swam on her body. They're her dad's after all. It didn't fit her, but the scent of wood and nature would remind her of him. Sometimes, when she thought of him, she pictured them as a whole family. She would be playing with her brother and her dad while her mother would be watching them from the shady front porch. She pictured a complete family dinner, with her dad sitting at the head of the table. She pictured her dad being there for her upcoming performance with a bouquet of flowers and a smile on his face.

The quiet honk of the mailman's car took her out of her dream and she watched as the car drove up to her. The mailman smiled down at her, a smile she learned to hate, and handed her the mail before driving off. That was a sign that there was no letter from her dad. Grudgingly, she went back into her house.

The wails of her mother echoed throughout the entire house. In the living room her mom sat. Painfully watching her wedding and family videos. Wrapped in a baby blue blanket and with a tub of ice cream in her lap and five boxes of tissues on either side of her. It was a usual scene, her mom would be crying until she fell asleep and then when she woke up, she would cry some more. Her mom didn't even set foot out of the house for the past ten years. 

She heard her brother's rickety old truck come up the parking lot, followed by the ear shattering roar of his music. Before her dad left, her brother focused on school and hung out with his friends. Now he goes to work and when he comes back, he juggles school work and caring for two kids. Unmarried at twenty-seven because he has to focus on caring for the girl and their mother. 

Every picture with her dad in it was scratched, bent, or torn off. All his belongings were packed up at the front door, complimentary of her brother who wanted their dad to pick up his belongings and leave the family that he didn't bother to write to.

She looked around the room, taking in the emptiness. The sadness. She took it all in and let it finally break down the cracks in her already shattered heart.

Daughter to father, daughter to father

I don’t know you, but I still want to

Daughter to father, daughter to father

Tell me the truth...

Did you ever love me!!!?

Did you ever love me?

These are.....

The confessions...of a broken heart