Falling For Alaska

Chapter Twenty-Four: Forced Friendships and Candy

"What in the world could have possibly given you the indication that it was a good idea to tackle our single-most generous philanthropist to the ground?" Officer Carter questioned, a steely look in his eyes. Really, though, I thought he would've gotten used to the fact that I always find a way to mess things up unintentionally.

And hey, it was just an honest mistake-- how was I supposed to know that creepy Dr. Wanker was some rich donor, not a pedophile driving in a black van? But something gave me the indication that Carter wouldn't exactly be satisfied with that answer.

Or, now that you mention it, Dr. Wanker, who was also present in Carter's office, with a make-shift sling on his left arm, wouldn't exactly be estatic at that title. Something was just giving me the indication that he wouldn't exactly want to be called a crazy molester with five (almost six) children locked up in his car.

Noticing Carter's extectant gaze, I quickly spun together an explanation. "I, uh, thought I saw like a massive spider on his chest, and like, I just had this natural urge to get that poisonous spider off of him. I mean, if anything, you two should be thanking me for saving Dr. Wanker's life."

Dr. Wanker narrowed his eyes in suspicion, as if he could just tell that something just wasn't adding up. "There are no poisonous spiders in Oaks Hill."

"What are you, some type of spider expert? No, there was definitely a huge spider on you. Like, it was bigger than my hand, no kidding," I lied, gesturing with my hands the size of the imaginary spider.

Dr. Wanker pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes, "Actually, I am. I studied animal behavior in college." At that, Carter gave me the deepest scowl possible (while, frankly, it just accentated his double chin) and gave me a look that read something along the lines of, "Try digging yourself out of this one."

Instead of diving into a rant about how freaking creepy Dr. Wanker was and his most certainly alter ego as a sex offender on every possible list, I laughed nervously, slowly backing away towards the door-- maybe I could just take a break for it. Move to Mexico, change my name. Pedro, perhaps.

With a wavering smile, I stammered out, "You know I'm pretty certain that it was a spider but either way maybe we should just try to forgive and for---"

Before I could finish and take a break for it, Alaska had barged in in the room, with a frantic, maniacal expression. "Officer Carter, I need to talk to you for a minute," Alaska yelled, before noticing the presence of Dr. Wanker and I. "Oh shit, what did Chase do this time?"

"This time? Come on, Alaska, I feel a bit insulted." I placed my hand above my heart, in a wounded manner.

Alaska rolled her eyes, "Whatever, I don't have time for this. Officer Carter, I really need to speak to you. Alone."

Huh, I wonder what's up her ass today. Maybe Dr. Wanker had something to do with that.

Either way, Carter nodded in annoyance, and with an apologetic smile towards Dr. Wanker, he got up and followed Alaska out of the room.

Rather unfortunately, that meant that Dr. Wanker and I were left alone in the room, in an awkward silence, with me slightly afraid that he would suddenly get out his chloroform and drag me into his undercover sex chambers in the basement that certainly had to be inside his home.

As discreetly as possible, I started to back away from Dr. Wanker, who currently had a smirk bigger than a Cheshire Cat. Even if Dr. Wanker was actually just some "innocent, generous old man who loved to donate money to environmentalist organizations", that didn't mean that he couldn't secretly be a child molester and hell, I wasn't taking that chance.

Apparently, Dr. Wanker wasn't getting the message that I wanted to far away from him as possible, and instead, think that it was the perfect opportunity for some nice conversation. With a wry, not-at-all-pedophilic smirk, he innocently just happens to bring up the topic of the Hummel kid. "You know, I find it great that young couples like yourself and Jason have the courage to step outside the closet as lovers."

Lovers? What the hell is this dude on?

While I would have loved to question this guy's sanity and well, his rather disturbing interest in the topic, I manage too control the urge to barf and in a flat, detached voice that would have made my father proud, I responded, "Oh no, Jason and I are just... friends." I manage not to wince at the prospect of being "friends".

But, even more concerningly, Dr. Wanker seemed pretty relieved at that news and his evil smirk widened. God, he was probably thinking about all the vicious things he was planning to do with the poor Hummel kid.

I almost felt bad for the kid (key word: almost).

With the hope that I could at least distract him, I awkwardly cleared my throat and with a nervous smile, I expressed my regret at tackling the dude to the ground, even if he most definitely deserved it.

In response, Dr. Wanker gave me a nice pat on the back, along with the words,"Don't you worry about it, big boy! We can start all over!!!"

Again, I would have preferred if he hadn't called me a "big boy" and just talked like I was a regular human being and not a young child, but hey, if that's what it took to get Carter off my back then I'll take it.

Shooting Dr. Wanker an uneasy smile, I was just about to leave through the doors when Officer Carter, with Alaska shortly behind him, came back in the office.

With a quick glance towards my direction, Carter barked out unhappily, "You're dismissed, Forrest, but don't think I'll just forget about this." Carter attempted to display a stern expression, but frankly, he just looked like he was seriously constipated. Really, Carter should just stop trying to act all intimidating. I think the overgrown adult baby was a better look for him.

I shot Carter a quick grin before skipping happily out of Carter's office, and while my smile certainly faltered when I found myself back in the amidst of the environmentalist convention. Was this ever going to end?

Even though there was literally only a handful of people here, it seemed as if the festivities were in full swing, with Kurt Hummel kid talking amicably to a rather normal looking couple and well, hippies doing hippy things.

In fact, I was just about to unsuspectingly leave when of course, Alaska, with her fabulous timing, seemed to pop out of nowhere from behind me. "Might I ask where you are going, Forrest?" Alaska drawled, her arms crossed.

"I was actually going to visit Dr. Wanker's white van. I heard he had some candy in there, perhaps I'll split it with the other five kids he has locked up in there, thanks for asking," I responded sarcastically.

To my surprise, instead of starting some long speech about how wonderful Dr. Wanker simply was and his fabulous philanthropy, Alaska shrugged and for once, didn't shoot me a glare. "I feel like you're over-reacting a little," she commenting, before adding, with a sly smile, "But then again, I heard that it's always the pedophiles with the best candy."