the boy who was afraid of the dark

saturday 10:03 am, eliott

  my thoughts were fuzzy and foreign when i woke up that morning.
  the first thing i saw was the glaring, demanding yellow pill bottle on a nightstand.

  i wanted to groan at the unfriendly sight, but i was too aware of the body curled up on top of me.

  i turned my head back to look at him, snoring quietly as his chest rose and fell and rose and fell.

  if i was here, and so was the pill bottle, then he must know. or maybe he doesn't. maybe no one has told him yet. which means i have to.
  he's gonna find out, and then he'll kick me out.

  he'll never want to see me again. he'll hate me. and then i'll have nothing.
  what will i do? run away again. i'll leave and i won't come back.

  i'll go to norway in the mountains, where i can be alone.
  and i'll disappear into the cliffs.

  and never come back.

  an involuntary whimper escaped my throat and a tear fell from my eyes onto the pillow.
  i didn't realize how much it hurt me to think like that, but it only made my heart hurt worse.

  squeeze and drop harder. and fall slower.

  until the small boy stirred in where he lay. he lifted his head before awakening any other part of his body, and i got to watch him open his eyes and look at my face.

  i couldn't decide if him waking up was a good thing or a bad thing.
  when he was asleep, we were happy. he was happy.

  "good morning." he smiled so bright that his eyes squinted, and he pecked my lips.

  i tried to smile back, but there was no enthusiasm.

  his eyes travelled to the night stand next to me, and he frowned.
  "oh, i guess lucille already dropped off the medication. i must have been sleeping."

  lucille? did she tell him?

  he turned his head and looked at his phone for a minute, before turning back to me.
  he reached over and took the bottle, opening the cap and shaking one into his hand.

  "your mom said you need to take one this morning." he smiled at me and held out the pill in his palm.

  i regarded the pill, and looked it up and down and all around as if it would magically morph into a unicorn.
  the pill i usually never want to take.
  but lucas' smile made sure i would do anything for it. the way he looked at me, i would fly off a cliff for him to always look at me that way.

  so i took the pill from his hand and put it in my mouth, swallowing it dry.

  his smiled widened.
  "hungry?"

  no.

  but before i could answer, he jumped up and opened the door.
  he stood in the doorway and looked at me.

  "i'll surprise you." he smiled again before quickly disappearing out the threshold.

  i don't deserve him.
  how did i get so lucky?