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8 ~ It's Deeper Than You Think

I had slept until the next morning.

My mind had woken me up. Something wasn't right.

Yesterday, Paige and I cleaned up Annie's room, managing to get the stains off the walls, the floor, and her desk, but the comforter and the rug would need to be replaced. It had rained last night, so we didn't need to do much outside her window.

Now, as I lay awake at sunrise, I know that there's more.

Careful not to wake Paige as I passed the guest room, I tiptoed to Annie's room. I entered, closing the door back behind me. I looked around at the walls. Photos were clipped onto fairy lights, pictures in frames were hung on the walls of our family. I smiled sadly. Who knew if we'd ever be the same family again.

My body gravitated towards Annie's desk. I traced the surface with my fingers. Her computer laid on her desk chair, the cherry on top of the pile of dirty clothes below. I opened the drawer in her desk. Inside, there were colored pens and pencils and a sketchbook. I had no idea she liked to draw.

I picked up the lavender and sky blue book and flipped over the front cover. The first page held a drawing of me. It was very detailed and realistic, but just a pencil sketch, except my eyes were colored in, and my pupils had a reflection of what I saw. I was looking up at the sky, smiling. My eyes had a wondered appearance, but the longer I stared at them, the more saddened they looked. There were little dots peppering the space above me. I think they were supposed to be stars. She had signed her drawing in the bottom left corner with her name, Julianna Grace. Below the signature was the date, February 18, 2019. This was made before she went downhill.

I flipped to the next page. It was our family. Mom and dad were standing next to each other, and dad had his arm around mom's shoulder, but mom looked uncomfortable, almost like she didn't want him so close to her. All this was told through her eyes, which were colored in. Her facial expression seemed happy. Dad's eyes were blank, and his face was happy. Annie and I were sitting back to back on the ground, looking over our shoulders to each other. My eyes were fairly joyful, but almost angry, and Annie's were confused. Both of our faces were laughing. Caleb wasn't there. I saw a small "7" drawn in the corner of her left eye. This drawing was dated January 11, 2020. Two months ago.

Hey won't you tell me girl that everything's just fine, it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be, alright

These words were written in an arc above Annie's head on the next page.

Annie was laying on the ground, sobbing, her arms folded and her face on the floor. What I assumed was supposed to be her soul, which was colored in, came out of her body. It looked like a younger version of her, maybe around seven years old. It was crying for help. I have no idea why. This was dated March 22, 2020. Seven days before she jumped.

"Hayley, what do you want for breakfast?" Paige called from downstairs.

"Can we just get Starbucks?" I asked.

"Sure. Start getting ready, we're leaving in fifteen minutes," she said.

"Okay," I responded.

I put the sketchbook back where it belonged and left Annie's room. I jumped in the shower just to rinse off for a few seconds in some cool water, then dressed myself in a light blue shirt and grey joggers. I brushed my teeth, slipped on a pair of slides, didn't bother to touch my hair, and we headed out. I didn't bother doing my streaks; they had broken sometime last night.

In the drive thru line, we ordered and picked up our food. Paige ordered some kind of coffee drink and some vanilla scones, and I got a cookies and cream Frappuccino and a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. I've never had the drink before, but Annie got it one time during her happy phase and loved it, so I figured I'd try it. I didn't like it, which made me upset.

We arrived at the hospital. Mom wasn't there, but dad was asleep in his chair. Paige sat next to him and I took my chair from yesterday. Annie didn't look any better, but her heart rate was slightly above her resting heart rate.

"Hey, Hayley, how are you doing?" Dad asked me.

I contemplated not responding, but ultimately decided to. "Obviously not great. How would you be doing if your sister nearly killed herself, and you had to watch her slowly die in front of your eyes?"

Paige's eyes widened, then she gave me a disappointed look. My dad bit his lip, then sighed.

"I'm sorry, Haybug, I really am," he said, his voice fading out towards the end of the sentence.

"Well, you should be," I said, tearing up.

He stood up and walked over to me. He hugged me. As much as I wanted to push him away, I desperately needed something to tell me it was okay to feel like my world was falling apart. I collapsed into his shoulder and cried. I cried, and cried, and cried.

I cried until I had the strength to hug him back. It was weak, but it was something.

Mom came back into the room.

"Ahh, you're back. Hey Paige, hey Hayley," she said.

Nobody addressed my mom's appearance.

"It's deeper than you think," my dad whispered into my ear before letting go.