Under This Chaotic Rain

Chapter Five: The Little Things

September 19th, 2018

     The ceiling starts to look strange when you stare at it for a long period of time.  I've been laying here on the couch for the past twenty minutes and I can make out eight different faces in the veining.  One of them looks a lot like Benjamin Franklin, with his bifocals and everything.

     I wonder if Liam saw it too when he would lay here.  

     It's ten twenty-seven and I still haven't eaten, but the thought of food right now makes me queazy, and I can't go into the kitchen, not right now anyway.  I turn over, to distract myself from my mind, and stare at the collection of framed photographs on the coffee table, all taken by my brother, all cluttered together since the funeral.  My eyes lock with the most recent one, the one from where we went on vacation to Maine with both our families.  Liam has his arms wrapped around me and we're both laughing at the joke my dad had just told.  That was a happy moment.  I feel a stray tear fall onto my arm.

     It's the little things that bring so much pain now...

     "Any requests?"  

     I look beyond the photo and see him at the piano.  

     This really isn't helping me, you know...I think.

     "Yes it is, you just need time to realize it," he answers as if he can read my mind.  "Now, any requests, Perr?  Fire and the Flood perhaps?"  

     Immediately, I hear the tune already playing in my head, but it's cut off by the sound of the front door opening.

     "I am so sorry I couldn't get here at eight like I told you last night, but I had the worst morning sickness since six this morning..." Zayna walks in, grocery bags in hand.  I sit up; I completely forgot she was going to come over today.  "I rushed over as soon as I could stomach some toast--you okay, Perr?"  Her tone becomes concerned.  I look over at the piano again before looking at her.  He's gone.

     "Define okay..."  I sit up and cross my legs, feeling the daze start to leave me.

     After setting her bags down, Zee quickly makes her way toward me, the look of concern still plastered on her face.  Once she stares intently at my face, not making a sound, her head darts to the kitchen.  "Have you eaten yet?"

     I look down at the floor, "No.  I can't go in there," I shake my head vigorously.  

     "Okay, that's okay, you don't have to.  I can make you something.  Did you get my texts?"

     "I haven't checked my phone."

     "O-kay," she sighs, "well from now on can you keep your phone by you, turned on?"

     "Yeah, I will, sorry I didn't even bother with it this morning, but I will...I promise.  Do you wanna sit down?"  I look over at the space beside me.

     She lets out another sigh, but this one is her thinking sigh.  "Nah, then I'll probably never get back up...or at least have a difficult time getting up."  She pats her growing bump.  

     "So you had morning sickness again?"  I try to lighten the subject.

     "Yeah, and it's so annoying!  I mean having it in the first trimester is understandable and somewhat expected, but having it continue into the second?!  I'm like...c'mon baby, I just want to eat a whole meal and actually keep it down for once.  But thankfully, I've been feeling a lot better since about nine-thirty, so fingers crossed I can eat more toast and survive."  Zee crosses her fingers, a hopeful but nervous look on her face.

     "Now I kinda want toast, too," I give a small laugh.

     "I'll go make it right now!" Zayna exclaims then gathers all the bags and rushes into the kitchen quicker than I can say light butter please.

     "Have any more inklings as to if the baby's a boy or girl?"  I keep the light conversation going, not just me, but also for Zee.  I know Liam's passing is taking a tole of her, too, and adding more stress than she should handle right now, with the baby and all.

     "I'm pretty confident it's a girl, especially since I'm having almost identical symptoms that my mom had when she was pregnant with me, but of course, Hayes believes beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's a boy."  Zee answers as she puts the bread in the toaster. 

     "I'm with Hayes on that," I say.

     Zee shakes her head, "I can't believe you're taking his side."

     I scoff, "I'm not taking his side, I just have a feeling it's gonna be a boy, too.  And remember I actually thought it was a boy before Hayes was dead set on it."

     "Thanks for that," she gives me one of her looks.

     "Hey, I could be wrong, but I haven't been wrong about these types of things before."

     "When have you been right about these types of things?"  She furrows her brows as she butters her toast.

     "April, Elaina, Olivia," I list them off on my fingers, "all had boys and I knew it from the moment they announced their pregnancies.  Sixth sense, I tell you.  My grandmother had the same thing.  She knew I was going to be a girl, and she even knew my mom was pregnant before my mom even knew it."

     "Oh yeah, what about Kendall?"

     I scoff again, "That's not fair...none of us knew she was having twins!  And I was half right, she had a boy and a girl."

     "Well, I don't have a name for a boy, so it better be a girl...or a cat." Zee laughs.

    "If it's a cat, can I name it?"

    "Sure, but something sophisticated."  She walks over and hands me my plate of toast.  "Okay, now I'm gonna sit down, but you're gonna have to help me get up."  She moves past me and settles next to me, sliding a pillow behind her back.  "I'm only five months along and I'm already uncomfortable and wishing this kid would come out tomorrow.  I don't know how I'm gonna be able to function when I'm about to pop."

     "You're just gonna take it one step at a time."  I try to encourage her, "and you're gonna have Hayes right by your side."

     "Yep, a nervous wreck right by the side of another nervous wreck," 

     "Five months in and he's still panicking?"

     "Once we started going to the birth classes, he's afraid he's gonna drop the baby when the nurse hands it over."

     We both laugh a little since that's actually what Hayes would be afraid of.

    "Speaking of the baby, we just started getting his or her room set up, and wondered if you were still up to painting the mural?  When you're ready, anyway."  I can tell she's wanting to distract me from everything, and I appreciate it.

     "Yeah, of course," I reply, "I can start whenever you need me to, honestly."

     "You sure?"

     "I think I need to get away from the house again."

     "Do you want to stay over for a few days?"

     My eyes catch the photograph again, "Yeah," I nod my head, feeling the tears come back.

     "Alright, yeah, let's get some of your stuff packed and we can leave before lunch."

     "Okay,"