All These Boys and I'm Still Single

An ex-almost | The Confession

I tap my feet to the beat of the music from my phone. I watch people walk by me, one, two, three there they go. I got to my feet and grabbed my boarding pass. "Have a great flight," says the lady.

"I sure will," I mutter under my breath as I gave her a big smile. "Have a nice day," I say.

I have chosen the window seat so that I could have a sense of solitude even with 200 other passengers on this 15-hour long flight. I plugged my earphones back in and clicked my favourite playlist.

"15 hours until freedom," I say to myself. I leaned to see the clouds, shut my eyes and prepared my heart for the best yet expecting the worst.

My bestfriend picked me up at the airport. We drive to her house which is in the middle of the city. I step out of the car and smell the air. It feels like I did not even leave. The lady next door is still sitting on her porch reading magazines. The family in front has gotten bigger with extra people added to the family. The frame hanging behind their door is still on the same spot.

And I felt at home. As I made my way to their guest room, which will be my room for who knows how long, I suddenly felt the urge to cry. I slowly lifted my hands to my eyes, trying to avert the tears from escaping.

*****

6 months ago -

We sat in silence for a while, just watching the distant waves like it was the most fascinating scene in the world. I shut my eyes and sighed happily, I could see his figure out of the corner of my eyes. I let the world around me fade. All I could see was me and him. I felt that there were a million things that I needed to tell Luke but I didn't know where or how to start. If I had a universal remote that controlled the universe, this would have been the time that I hit pause.

My lungs , my throat were aching, making my chest feel heavy. My limbs were like lead, resulting my body wanting to sink faster than the titanic. My palms were shaking, my teeth were chattering a bit and I was becioming more and more unglued by the minute. But I had to know to tell him the truth before I leave.

I urged myself through and through. I tried not to tell him before but I decided to let it slide since he wont reciprocate the feelings that I have for him anyway. I could hear my heart beating fast.

"Luke," his name from my mouth spilled gracefully. He was obviously lost in his own train of thoughts.

"Before we go," I breathed deeply. His deep blue eyes met mine. Suddenly, my world stopped. I am lost for words. I was feeling myself beginning to sweat.

"I actually want to tell you something. I want to be honest to myself and to you. And for the first time in my life, I want to be honest towards my feelings to someone." I stopped, looked at him, his eyes flickered with a hint of sadness in them. He probably thought that it was the other guy.

"I don't want to pretend nor suppress my feelings towards you anymore, I like you Luke." I said, staring at his tantilizing eyes, not daring to blink.

Before he even could utter a word, I opened my mouth to add more words that are already messing up his mind. "I'm saying this coz I might not see you again. I will for sure be back here but I don't know when. I don't know where life will take you. I don't know where I'll be. Our paths might not cross again. There's nothing certain. But I will be gone long enough, long enough for me to forget you if ever you don't reciprocate the feelings I have for you."

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, a gesture he only did when he was uncomfortable or nervous.

He looked at me as he stepped closer and closer closing the gap between us, my heart was beating at irregularly. He tucked my loose hair to my ear as he looked at me.

"Tori," he said. "I have had the same thing in my mind. I have been waiting for the perfect time to tell you this too." My heart was revived with hope. I let out a gust of air from my mouth, trying to process this new piece of information.

"But," one simple word that made my heart sink. I rubbed the back of my head and emitted a quiet laugh. This was beyond mortifying.

"But I don't want to be selfish. I know you have dreams of your own. I want you to chase that without me getting in the way. I want you to experience life to the full before you would experience life with me."

"But you are my dream. You are not getting in the way because I wanna walk with you along the way," my thought said to my heart.

"I actu -," he said before I cut him off.

"It's okay, I'm not asking you to reciprocate the feelings I have for you. I just want you to know before it's too late. But what you just said, are enough for my heart to hear." I said. Who knows what would get out of his mouth? It may be more unpleasant things that my heart couldn't handle.

"Tori," he continued. "It's not that I don't feel the same. It's just I think it's not yet time," he said.

"I kinda figured out you'd say that. It's okay. I'm okay," I lied. "We're still gonna be friends right?" I asked.

"Of course. I wouldn't trade this friendship for the world," he assured.

I leaned forward, closing the little gap between us and threw my arms around him and he returned the hug. For a second, even in that split second, I felt you were mine.

I turned on my heel and walked away. I looked at him for the last time and smiled. As soon as I was out of his sight, I let my emotions pour over.

The only time I ever decided to confess to a guy, and he says he is not ready.

And that was how I have started to feel selfish and friendzoned guys whoever confessed or not even confessed to having feelings for me.