Silva and the Stars

14 | where did you go?

We settle in the darkness and I reach for Rachel under the covers. "What are you doing so far away?" I grumble.

She giggles, evading my hand but moving closer nonetheless until she's pressed into my side, right where she's meant to be. She lets out a little relieved breath.

There's the quiet sound of our breathing as I feel myself relax deeper into the bed.

Then Rachel's voice, wrapping around me in the darkness. "Do you miss your Dad?"

I evade her question without meaning to. "Do you miss yours?"

I can feel her nodding from where she's tucked beside me. 

"I hated my Dad, but I loved him too." She pauses, then sighs. "Sometimes I wish I could speak to him, even if it was just a conversation about the football score." She laughs. "What I would give for the sound of his voice – so confident and self-assured – I always felt safe when he was around. To know that I'll never get to have a conversation with him again..."

I can hear her draw a sombre breath and I pull her tighter into me. 

"Dad and I weren't really on speaking terms when the car crash happened." 

It's the understatement of the century.

When I had found out about his affairs, particularly the one that sired a child on the side, I'd taken leave of the company, travelling across the globe to be away from him. I would receive calls from him that I wouldn't deign to answer, letting them ring to voicemail until I had endless voicemails I never bothered to check.

Even now I still didn't check them, as if I was punishing him by being so unbelievably selfish and dying on us.

"Where did you go?" Rachel asks.

"Where didn't I go?" I can hear the smile in my voice as the memories resurface of pebbled beaches in southern France, the humidity in China, the Aurelias Borealis in Finland, the sand bites from trekking in New Zealand.

"You're not answering my question," Rachel grumbles.

I chuckle. "Sorry." 

I list off the places I travelled to. "My favourite place was this little restaurant in Venice; their tortellini was to die for. It was down this little alleyway, kind of near the marina. I would love to find that place again – I would love to take you there."

"Me too." Rachel presses closer to me in the dark. "We're both such foodies." There's silence and then, "Do you think you'll ever get bored of working in the company? That you'll want to go travelling again?"

I shrug, I hadn't thought about it. I had travelled to escape Dad, and then I had fallen in love with the people I met along the way. Learning about other ways of life illuminated how sheltered my own was. It was humbling to live moment to moment, connecting with others, rather than focusing on trying to maintain the profit line in our company.

"I might. But I think it was less about travelling, and more about finding a place that felt like home. It never ceased to surprise me that some people who were living on very little, had more love in their little toe than my Dad had in his whole lifetime."

I'm struck by the sadness of that statement. I know Dad hadn't shown mum and I much love, but maybe I should have tried harder to love him. I swallow as those missed calls and voicemails weigh on me.

"You were looking for love?" Surprise laces her voice.

"Aren't we all?" I respond, thinking about Dad and all his affairs. Had he been searching for love as well?

I can feel Rachel shake her head. "Louis wasn't."

"I know he served in the special forces," I say with trepidation, treading carefully.

"He did," Rachel returns simply. "He died trying to get a hostage out."

How do you compete with the ghost of a war hero?

I can feel the imprint of Rachel's hand resting on my chest. "Can I tell you something bad?" she whispers.

"Yeah, what is it?"

She doesn't answer for several moments, and curiosity swells within me.

"Sometimes I wish he hadn't been a hero." It's a hushed admission. 

"That's understandable," I say. He'd sacrificed his life to be a hero, leaving her bereft. "I don't think that's bad." 

"It's bad because I find myself wishing I'd been enough for him." Shame lines her voice. "That my boring, mundane life was enough for him."

An inappropriate thought rises to the surface of my mind. "Your life could never be boring. Not with me in it." 

Too soon, I think when she's startled into silence beside me. Until I feel her press closer, tantalising my senses with her frangipani and vanilla bean scent. Whenever I'm around her now, I have this irrational craving for vanilla ice cream. Just a taste. 

"Oh my god. Jon." She buries her face in my neck and chokes in laughter.

And on that note, we finally go to sleep.

💍

a/n: We're getting closer to the end! (I'm so excited) I just really want them to be together, you know? As always, thanks for reading! I'd be so grateful for any feedback you have so feel free to vote and comment your thoughts.  ♡