Sin (BoyxBoy) (Ziam)

Yielding

Update time!

Warning: This chapter does contain minor mentions of alcoholism. It also alludes to suicidal thoughts. Please read carefully, my loves, and take care of yourselves.

Love you all, endlessly.

(P.S. sorry if this chapter is sort of rough and crappy. I had a smidge of writer's block in the middle of it. 😅)

Chapter 42:

Flashback

     I sat quietly at the lunch table, listening to the sound of Louis' voice as he blabbered on about his favourite football teams and the stats of some of his favourite players. I didn't particularly enjoy sports, but I did enjoy how Louis seemed so passionate and excited whenever he spoke about them. It was what he loved, and I just wanted my best friend to be happy. He deserved it.

     This time, however, I wasn't paying attention to his blurted out facts. I heard the excitement in his voice, but the words didn't register. Instead, I was staring over at the table in the corner, where Liam was sitting.

     His head was down, staring at his paper on the table as he tapped his pen against his chin before writing down his thoughts. He seemed so focused, so engaged in his own head, as if he was writing down his deepest, most certain thoughts. I would give anything to be able to read his thoughts like a book, to know what caused him pain and what made him smile. Ever since he held my hand a year ago, I wanted to know the ins and out of his being. I wanted to know what made him tick, what he enjoyed about people, what hobbies he liked, what it was like to be so self-assured like him.

      I watched him write, taking small glances every now and then so nobody would suspect me staring.

     He looked good today, just like every day. His hair was styles in a chestnut mess atop his head, but it looked amazing on him. His eyes were determined today. I was jealous of that determination in his stare. His mouth was the same pretty pink as he bit on his pen cap in thought. I've never wanted to kiss anyone in my life, I didn't think it would feel good. It'd be rough, forced. It would sting and burn me up. But Liam... I wondered what it would feel like to kiss him.

      I've tried to speak to him after the restroom incident, but I couldn't bring myself to. Every time I tried, I would freeze up. I would stare at him, watch his beautiful smile spread across his face from a distance, and my heart would speed up. I would feel it beating in my ears, drowning out all of the sound around me. My hands would shake uncontrollably, just like they did when I had to stand in front of the class during presentations. My throat would feel as if there was a giant lump there, blocking any words from escaping. My legs would feel weak, like they could barely take a step forward, let alone hold up my body. I seemes to forget how to breathe when I looked at him. He was just... flawless.

     A crush. That's what Louis talked about. He would talk about different crushes he had on girls, and he would tell me that he would get nervous around them. He had the same symptoms as I did, but I never explaines my own crush to him. How could I? He would get freaked out and hate me for it.

    But Louis also taught me something else. Crushes often hurt. "That's why they're called crushes," He would explain, "because they crush you up inside, especially when they don't work in your favor."

     When I looked at Liam, knowing that I could never speak to him in a normal way, I felt that crushing inside of my heart.

      "I don't think I could ever be crushed by someone just by liking them," I would reply to Louis.