Life is hard

Wish we could turn back time

When I was younger all I ever wanted to do was be older I wanted to be an adult so bad but now I just wish I could go back to when I was in kindergarten where my only worry was what kind of treat I wanted for snack time.

Life has gotten so much harder since then, now I worry about these weird feelings for my friend, how I'm going to come out as bisexual to my very Hispanic and Christian parents or if telling the rest of my family will ruin my relationship with them.

All these things plague my mind not letting me sleep, so instead I watch Netflix, read wattpad or I watch YouTube hoping that I fall asleep but knowing that the sweet release of sleep may never come to me.

All I can do is watch enviously as the people around me have the power to just switch off their brain, and I am stuck in a vicious circle because since Insomnia has her grips on me I can't think straight which makes me even more confused so I think about the situation and before I know it, it's day time.

Now I'm just going through life without actually living it, I feel like an outsider on my own life; I'm watching from behind a glass and I can't seem to break free and all I want to do is hide under the covers.

I think I have depression but I'm not sure because I still laugh, smile and get happy or excited but I've lost motivation for all things even writing which I used to love.

As gross as it may sound sometimes I don't even want to get up to shower and food has lost it's way to me I no longer feel hunger I just feel the headache from not eating and that's when I realize I need to eat.

Eating is another thing I struggle with not because I have a problem with my body but because I can't seem to gain weight and my family sees that as me trying to starve myself and I'm tired of people reminding me to eat, forcing me to eat because I look skinny to them.

Sometimes I still wish I was a full adult that way I could live on my own and make my own decisions and choose who I want to deal with and who I don't because no one likes being reminded of bad things outside of their control.

"Wish we could turn back time to the good old days when momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out" - Twenty One Pilots