Life is hard

In this awful place I shouldn't show a trace of doubt

Emotional vulnerability is a weird concept some see it as a advantage others not so much. In my family being emotionally vulnerable is bad all around it just leads to being labeled crazy and hurt feelings. Feelings are only represented as a negative connotation because when you have feelings other than happy and joyful you're wrong and crazy. So to conclude in my family feelings are wrong they are invalid and if you have any feelings or are emotional vulnerable you are crazy and there is probably something wrong with you.

There's something wrong with me I'm broken to those who surround me by choice they believe that I mask what I'm truly feeling with a care free and comical façade when in reality I use that façade to deal with the shit around me because that way I'm allowed to work on true myself in the back and not have to worry about accommodating others to what the real me looks like because I'm not emotionally vulnerable and I don't have any other feelings besides joy or at least that's what most of my friends see.

I say most friends because some have slipped through the cracks they've seen the ugly, they've seen what most people even my parents don't really see anymore because as a human there are still moments where even that façade as they like to say can't hold back. Those that have seen it can't look at me the same they will argue that they can but I can feel the difference. The sad thing is once you been there seen what the world has broken you can't go back, you can't unsee or unhear any of it. You now carry a burden that some aren't equipped to handle and others just don't want to.

To my family I'm quite the opposite because who needs all that touchy-feely stuff called emotional vulnerability when you're doing well academically, when you're at the top of your class, when there are no C's on your report card at the end of the quarter or semester. To my family I'm not broken because I'm like every other girl my age Straight! Christian! To my family I'm not broken because they've elected to ignore that I came out as Bisexual. To my family I'm not broken because I don't feel the need to tell them I'm atheist every time they tell me to thank their god for being alive like I even want to be alive in the first place.

I don't get emotionally attached to people because they end up failing you or they're not ready for the commitment that comes with me being emotionally attached. I don't ask them to fix me because that's a lot of years of damage I just ask them not to leave when they learn the ugly truth.

According to society's standards I'm broken according to my friends I'm broken. To my family I'm fine there is nothing going on and maybe that for the best because I know I'm not crazy and I know it's not just me being dramatic. I know that it's all the years of damage but who needs a good mental health when you have a good education and opportunities your parents didn't have.

Be grateful they say because you were born in a country with many opportunities, you've always had a roof over your head, at least one meal a day, clothes without holes in them and the newest technology. None of that matters because at the end of the day there is no amount of electronics or food, clothes, houses, opportunities, money, things that will make me want to see another day. Only those around me who push me forward because although I don't get emotionally attached to them they do to me and the last thing I would want to do to them is fail them because I know what that feels like.

"I guess I have to face that in this awful place I shouldn't show a trace of doubt but pulled against the grain I feel a little pain" - Steven universe (Rebecca Sugar)