The Missing Boy

Chapter 6 - Photos

Perhaps staying out late on an old, close to collapsing building was a bad idea but much to Axel's distaste, it's morning, 45 minutes before school starts and him and Miles are helping Miss Nancy in the library as promised. They were actually able to go to school together today although Axel doesn't plan on making it a habit. He misses his 45 minutes extra of sleep.

"Just put the books in alphabetical order. And please check to see if there's anything between the pages. I have found some ghastly things." Miss Nancy shudders as she remembers the chewing gum she found between the pages of a book last week.

"We will Miss Nancy." Miles answers politely.

"Dibs on any drugs." Axel says as he holds the book in his hand upside down and shakes it to see if anything falls from the pages.

Miles ignores the comment, aligning the books neatly on their designated shelves.

"Look!" Miles says excitedly as he pulls out one of the library books. On the first page, Axel's name is written in the top left corner. Miles passes the book to Axel and he stares at his name. A memory resurfaces.

"This was my favourite book growing up. I've read it about 3, no, 4 times. I got so upset at my mom for donating it to the school that I locked myself in my room for hours. She bought me a brand new one the next day. Limited edition. I was so happy about it." He chuckles a little bit. "How could a book make me so happy?" Miles watches as Axel traces his finger over the cover. He watches as a single tear traces a path down Axel's cheek. "It's probably in one of the boxes in my room."

"My favourite book is Oliver Twist."

"Of course it is." Axel laughs and Miles smiles at successfully changing the subject. He pretends he didn't see Axel cry and Axel is grateful for his feigned ignorance.

•••••••••••

It's not just the book. There are so many more memories trapped in Axel's mind. Memories Axel is too scared to look at. To delve into. It's like walking into a freezing cold pool not knowing how to swim. It's like jumping out of a plane not knowing if your parachute will work.

This very fear is what's stopping Axel from opening the cardboard box in his room. The one marked as Photos in permanent black ink. The one written in his mother's messy handwriting. The one she sealed shut last year with numerous layers of tape because she was sick and tired of seeing photos of her son and not the boy in real life.

The boy in real life is gone. The boy in real life is the boy before the crash. The boy currently in his room is the boy after the crash. Axel is sick and tired of people thinking that they're the same person. They're not. But Axel doesn't want to forget that boy. That's why he has to look at the photos. He needs to remember. But he's scared.

"Hey erm Miles?" This is the first time Axel has ever called Miles. It's the first time he's used a phone in a while which is a sad realisation. Embarrassing even.

"Hey Axel." The two exchanged numbers, Miles just never thought Axel would actually need it.

"Do you want to come over?"

"Yeah sure." Miles replies. He doesn't actually know why Axel asked this, they just had school together and will the following day but Miles isn't complaining. He enjoys Axel's company and sometimes wishes that he could be around it longer.

It takes about 3 minutes for Miles to get his trainers back on and go across the road to his neighbour's house. Axel greets him immediately, taking him up to his bedroom.

"Ok, so you're probably wondering why I called you here to hang out."

"No not really but proceed anyway." Miles says as he bounces slightly on Axel's bed.

"As you can see there are a bunch of boxes in my room."

"There's 3."

"Ok but I actually opened the others. Which leads me to this." Axel turns to his side and picks up the cardboard box marked as Photos and places it on his bed between him and Miles.

"I could open the others. The other had my clothes and toys and posters in them. But this one. I just couldn't do it. And I know it's sounds lame-"

"It doesn't sound lame." Miles quickly interrupts.

"Ok. I know it sounds, I dunno...sad?" Axel tries "but I was wondering if you could look through it with me?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Ok good." Axel says, exhaling.

Axel tentatively opens the cardboard box and prepares himself for an ambush of memories and emotions and loss. But there's no way to prepare.

Axel's whole lifetime has been captured through a lens and documented in photos. The day he was born, all of his birthdays and Christmases. I missed 4 of those. He looks at himself on the first day of school and when he won the spelling bee. I've missed so much. Then he comes across another image. It's him on a boat in the river. And Axel can't figure out why he's there. Or who he was with. Or who took the picture. He can't remember.

This is what Axel was afraid of.

It's not like Axel can remember part of it. It's not like it's on the tip of his tongue or teetering on the edge of his memory. He can't remember at all. He's in the freezing cold pool and he's drowning. He's falling through the sky and his parachute hasn't inflated.

He's forgotten.

"No." Axel says, a tone of disbelief in his voice.

The pictures of him as a baby are understandable. Of course Axel can't remember those. But in this picture he looks about 12. Just one year before the incident.

"What's wrong?" Miles asks.

"I can't remember it." Axel's voice breaks and he shakes his head like the action might bring back the memory.

"The picture?"

"I-I can't remember." Tears start to form in Axel's eyes and Axel squeezes at his head, clenching his eyes shut and forcing himself to relive the moments in the photo. But he can't. There's nothing familia about the image. No connection or trigger. Nothing.

This is the second time in one day Miles has seen Axel cry.

"No, no this isn't fair. I have to try, I have to remember. This, this isn't fair. I have to remember." Axel doesn't care about the tears or if he's embarrassing himself in front of Miles. He just has to remember.

"Come on Axel, think! Fucking think! What happened? Who were you with? Why were you on that fucking boat?!" He's shouting at himself now, banging his hands hard against his head. Miles is terrified that Axel is going to hurt himself so he kneels in front of Axel who's sitting on his bed and grabs his wrists.

"Axel?"

Axel pauses at the mention of his name. He hates that he can hear the fear in Miles' voice. The way it shook when he said his name. He hates that he can see the fear in Miles' eyes. The way they've become glossy with forming tears. He hates it. Because scaring Miles is the last thing in the world he ever wants to do.

"I'm sorry." Axel says, looking down at his hands which Miles has now let go of.

"Erm. It's ok." Miles says as he sits down, from his knelt position, beside Axel. "Why did you get so upset when you forgot?" Miles' voice is quiet. Shy. Axel doesn't want Miles to be shy around him.

"I can't afford to forget."