voices; doil

eleven

My first year of university was almost over and in the last few months my condition got worse. But no one noticed, hopefully, I don't want anybody to think of me like I am fragile because it never helped me (remember seojun my dudes).

I tried to hide it and it worked pretty well. My friends somehow noticed that I didn't feel so good (mR sTaRk i dOnT fEeL sO gOoD) but I told them that I was homesick.I think Doyoung didn't notice it, but still, I can't read thoughts.

-time skip

It's now officially summer break and I'm going home! I actually missed my family and I'm excited to go home. Doyoung asked me if I was free someday and asked me if we could meet and I immediately said yes. Not that I like him.

I was packing my things when someone attacked me from behind and tickled me and guess who it was. Doyoung obviously. I actually told him that I was very ticklish and.. it wasn't a good idea. 'Doyoung sTop!' , I said half crying half laughing and this time he actually stopped. Normally he would tickle me till I can't breathe anymore and let me telm you that is NOT funny at ALL. So it's okay to get mad and don't talk to them for at least one hour. Don't get me wrong I like Doyoung but I hate being tickled. 'What are you doing?' , he asked me while he wrapped his arms around me and his head was on my shoulder. 'Packing things.' , 'I'll miss you my smol Taeil-bear.' , he fake-sniffed. 'I'm not that far away. It's only a thirty minute ride, you know?' 'And??? I won't see you everyday and that makes me mad aNd sad.' , he let go of me and looked straight (gAy) into my eyes. 'We'll try to meet up as often as possible okay?' , I hugged him. I can't believe he whines about things like that.

I packed all my things and my parents were going to pick me up in an hour so I sat down. 'When are you leaving?' , Doy asked me whilw sitting down next to me. 'I still got an hour.' , I smiled. 'Let's grab some coffee and talk for a bit before you leave.' , I agreed and we got ready. We then went out. 'Our usual place?' , he asked while driving. 'Yea.' , I just smiled, remembering our dumb conversations we had there and all the funny moments we captured in our memories. And also our all-nighters we pulled together for a project. I'm actually gonna miss this and maybe I like Doy a little bit more than a friend. You perhaps ask yourself, why is he listing all these things? Well, you know, they are killing me, so I'm gonna end it once and for all. And no on is gonna stop me because my friends are leaving to their own countries/hometowns and I am not going to be at my parents' house the whole break. I already planned my death- well, not specifically me, but them. Because you know, I tried to fight them for a long time, but it only got worse since then so I gave up. I tried, I really tried, for years. My parents still, don't know about them, and they'll find out once I am not here anymore. I hope they don't tell themselves 'it's our fault, how didn't we notice, we could've helped him' , in my letters, I try to explain as much as possible, but I am not going to share everything with them because some secrets need to stay secrets even after death. I also wrote some letters to my friends, and I don't want that they tell themselves the same thing my parents are probably going to do. I want them to live a peaceful life and it just can't be one while I'm part of theo life. And you know, I hope Seojun is also happy that he finally killed me, because he was one of the main reasons the voices got worse. I trusted him, I told him everything and he treated me like shit, I had hope that someone actually helps me, someone that can actually help, that I loved with my whole heart and supported with every move he made. But well, I noticed, you shouldn't open up to people that only treat you like shit and don't respect you. (remember that, you don't need toxic/fake friends, they only harm you! if you wanna talk just text me, i try to support/help as much as i can <3)

You know sometimes your whole body hurts? Try to bear it everyday. Them are actually hurting me physically and there's nothing I can do about it except death.

They'll only get worse and they are becoming louder and they're increasing. And now.. they are too many.

There's so many voices.